Xie
Beta'd by gmta_nz.
Commas by vlredreign.
Acupuncture by intensefemme.
Chapter Three
“Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those
voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.”
-Katherine Mansfield
Brian’s POV
It took me a minute to remember what day it was. I wasn’t sure if it was Sunday,
or if I’d just woken up before the alarm went off. A few more brain cells activated
and it came back to me. Sunday.
Justin was sleeping, and I got out of bed and went into the bathroom. When I
came out, I started to go downstairs, but got back in bed instead, and curled
around him. He didn’t wake up, just shifted until his head was on my arm and
his legs were tangled with mine. I fell back to sleep.
The second time I woke up, Justin was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding
a mug of coffee near my face. I sat up and leaned back against the pillows behind
me, and took the cup from him.
“What time is it?”
“Almost noon.”
“Fuck.” I blew on the surface of the coffee, and then took a sip. “How long
have you been up?”
He took my coffee and drank some, and then set it on the bedside table and slid
back under the duvet next to me. “Just long enough to make coffee.”
I slipped my hand under his sweatpants and let it rest on the curve of his ass,
my head on the pillow, his resting on my shoulder. “A day off. I don’t even
remember what those are like.” I was leaving Tuesday for a four-day business
trip, and hadn’t planned on spending my one free day this week sleeping.
Justin just kissed my shoulder and didn’t say anything. I glanced down at him,
and he was staring at the wall.
“Did you sleep okay?” I was surprised at how gentle my voice sounded.
He stirred a little against me. “Better the second time.”
I reached across him for the coffee. “Do you have to work today?”
“No.”
I didn’t say anything. I knew he probably did, but if he wanted to take a day
off, I wasn’t going to complain. He’d been wound tight enough to snap the day
before, and no matter what he said, he’d slept for shit. He never slept well
after a nightmare.
I finished the coffee and put the cup back down. “Is it still raining?”
“Yeah.”
I kissed the top of his head. “Too bad, I wanted to swim today.”
“It’s not cold, just raining. You can swim.”
“But I can’t work on my tan.”
He finally smiled, but he didn’t say anything. I lay there trying to get the
energy to get up and get more coffee, feeling frustrated.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have any idea what was wrong with Justin. It’s that
usually, Justin knew what was wrong with Justin, and right now, I had a feeling
he didn’t. I had no fucking idea what to do about it, though, since he’d decided
he didn’t want to talk. I always had an urge to check on the continuing existence
of gravity when that happened.
I’d tried fucking him, bullying him, and cuddling him. It was time for the big
guns.
“Justin?”
He opened his eyes. “Hmmm?”
“Get up, we’re going out to eat.”
We went to the diner and I stuffed him with pancakes and donuts and bacon and
eggs, and after a while he sat back in the corner of the booth and looked at
me.
“Is this Michael Novotny junk food therapy?” The corner of his mouth was twitching
in a smile.
I shook my head and grabbed a piece of syrup-soaked bacon off his plate and
ate it. “How can you even suggest the Liberty Diner would serve junk food? This
is the haute cuisine of America, the diner breakfast.” I licked a little trickle
of syrup off my lip, and then leaned over and licked some off Justin’s lip,
too.
“Is this a haute cuisine, diner breakfast version of Michael Novotny junk food
therapy?” Justin could be a persistent little shit, but at least he was laughing.
“Well, my usual Justin Taylor sex therapy didn’t work, so I had to get creative.”
I held my coffee cup up for a refill, and Debbie snapped her gum at me from
the other side of the counter.
“Feel free to help yourself, hon.”
Justin laughed at the look on my face. “I’ll get it.”
I sighed and got up. “No, let’s not re-live the glorious days of your career
as a busboy. I’ll get it.” I went and got the pot and refilled both our cups,
and just then Emmett and Ted slid into the booth across from us, and turned
their mugs over.
I looked at Ted, then Emmett, then back to Ted again, put the coffee pot down
on the table, and sat back down next to Justin.
Emmett picked up the pot and filled his cup, then Ted’s. “So, boys, what brings
you out of your suburban paradise and onto these mean streets?”
Justin took a sip of his coffee. “Breakfast.”
Emmett nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, must be hard living in that house with
no kitchen and no money for groceries.”
I flicked my fingernail against Emmett’s hand where it was wrapped around his
coffee cup.
Justin changed the subject. “So, where’s Blake?”
Ted set his cup down. “He’s got a group, we’re meeting him here.”
Emmett brightened. “The party last night went really well. No tragedies, disasters,
divorces, or other catastrophes.”
Ted added a little sweetener to his coffee. “And the food was, as always, perfect.”
“Thank you, honey.” Emmett beamed at Ted and gave him a little peck on the cheek.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, and the comic was great. Right?”
“Absolutely.” It was Ted, looking suitably chastened.
Emmett looked at Justin. “I loved it. I can’t stand not knowing what’s gonna
happen, though, Justin, do you swear you can’t give me just a little hint? I’ll
never tell a soul.”
I snorted, but Justin just smiled and shook his head. “Michael and I have a
plan, but until it’s written and drawn, everything is subject to change.”
Ted frowned. “That sounds familiar. Isn’t that the line Michael blew us off
with last night?”
“Hey, guys.” It was Blake. He leaned down and kissed Ted’s cheek, and Ted and
Emmett scooted over to make room for him.
I noticed Justin was unusually quiet. I dropped my hand under the table and
rested it on his right hand, and he turned his fingers up and entwined them
with mine.
Debbie came over and retrieved her coffee pot, and took the new orders. I glanced
at Justin, and he was looking blankly at his plate. I squeezed his hand a little,
and he turned his head and looked at me, and smiled. He looked tired.
I realized Debbie was still standing there, and no one was talking.
“I said, can I get you two LOVEBIRDS anything else?” She managed to sound pleased
and mocking at the same time.
I pulled a couple of bills out of my pocket and threw them on the table, and
stood up abruptly, pulling Justin after me. “No, thanks, Deb, keep the change.
Bye, everyone.”
Justin stumbled a little as I headed for the door, his hand still gripped in
mine. “Brian, what the fuck… that was rude.”
I shoved the door open with my shoulder and started walking towards the car.
I let go of his hand and lit a cigarette. He shook his head when I offered it
to him, and I took one drag and threw it in the street.
“Justin. Have you told Michael you’re not drawing Rage?”
Justin stopped walking, and I stopped, too, and turned around to look at him.
He just looked at my face for a long time, and I waited. He blinked and sighed.
“No.”
I realized my neck and shoulders had been tense all morning, because suddenly
the tension drained away.
Justin started to walk towards the car again, and this time I was following
him.
He glanced at me when I caught up. “How did you know?”
I shrugged. “Your hand. It hasn’t been fucked up for a while.” I took a breath.
“And last night. I couldn’t make anything else make sense, about why you didn’t
want to go to the party.”
He snorted. “Yeah, because otherwise I love Rage parties.”
I grabbed his arm, and he stopped and faced me. This was why I hated discussing
our relationship. I had no idea how to do it.
I must have looked frustrated, because his face softened and he stepped into
me. My arms went around him before I realized what I was doing. Maybe the secret
was not talking, just letting my lips brush through his hair.
“I swear, Brian, I didn’t decide yet. I just… every time I went to do it, I
ended up painting instead. Then last night, everyone was asking how soon the
next issue was going to be out, and I just felt angry, but I didn’t know why.”
I kissed his hair. The last thing he sounded then was angry. “It’s okay, Justin.”
“It’s not okay.”
I hesitated. “You told him the show had to come first. He’ll understand.”
Justin nodded against me. “I know he will. I meant, it’s not okay with me.”
“You can do it after the show. It’s not that big a deal.”
He was quiet and then pulled back, and we walked towards the car. He still had
his arm around my waist, and I had mine around his shoulders.
He started to say something, and I bent down so I could hear him. “It’s a big
deal to me.”
Justin’s POV
When we got home from breakfast, I tried three times to write an email to Michael,
and even tried to make myself call him, but I finally gave up and started painting.
I wandered out to the kitchen and ate some cold pizza around 9, and Brian came
in and said goodnight just after midnight. I told him I’d be up in a little
while, and went back to the piece I was working on.
Some time later, I put my brush down, and slowly stretched. My neck was stiff
and my hand was starting to cramp, even though I hadn’t been drawing. When I
looked at the time on my computer, it was almost 5:30 in the morning.
The painting wasn’t done, but all it needed now were a few details. It looked
as close to what I’d had in my head as anything I’d ever painted. I wished it
wasn’t still wet, so I could run my finger over the ridges of paint. Instead,
I took my brushes and cleaned them and set them out to dry, put my paints away
carefully, and washed my hands. I hesitated before going upstairs, thinking
maybe I should shower in the workout room before going up. But Brian was getting
up in a few minutes. I’d wait and shower with him.
I went into the kitchen and started the coffee, and then went upstairs. The
clock said 5:58. I went into the bathroom and turned on the hot water, and stripped
off my paint-smeared t-shirt and pants. I heard the alarm go off, and a minute
later Brian stumbled into the bathroom and over to the toilet to piss, his hair
sticking out all over the place and his eyes half-closed.
He flushed the toilet. “I’d say ‘My, you’re up early,’ if your side of the bed
had been slept in.”
I got in the shower and left the door open for him, and started soaping myself
up. “Yeah, I lost track of time.”
Brian got into the shower and wrapped his arms around me and rested his cheek
on my hair. “Mmmmm. Wake me up when I’m clean.”
I laughed and reached behind him and soaped his back and shoulders, and did
my best to wash him even though he was resting on me like dead weight. “You
have to minimally cooperate here, Brian.”
He lifted his head and smiled at me sleepily. “Tell me you made coffee.”
I stood on my toes and kissed the tip of his nose. “I did.”
I buried my face in his neck, and licked at the hot water running down his skin.
His arms were lying lightly over my shoulders, and his head was tipped back.
I followed the water down, lightly licking his nipples on the way, then knelt
in front of him and lapped the moisture out of his navel.
I looked up at him, and he was smiling at me. I grinned back, and moved my hands
down over his ass and to the backs of his thighs, pulling him close while I
let my tongue swipe over the head of his cock. I tasted just a little bit of
pre-come mixed with the water, and I thrust my tongue in his slit, trying to
find more.
Brian gave a moan and his hands went into my hair. I brought my right hand up
and grasped his cock at the same moment I closed my lips around him. He moaned
again, and I let my tongue play over the smooth head of his cock, then dip into
his slit again. I flattened my tongue on the little spot under the rim that
he loved me to lick, and then followed the big vein down to where it disappeared
under my fist, and then back up again.
Brian had backed up a little so he could lean against the tile wall, and I moved
with him and nestled my face in his cock and pubes for a minute, and then moved
my lips up and down his cock, my tongue flat as I went down, and then sliding
over the head when I came back up. I moved my hand out of the way and went all
the way down on him with the next thrust, and he moaned and pulled my hair,
and spread his legs a little more.
I felt his cock hitting the back of my throat, and I swallowed, and felt another
gush of pre-come. For some reason, the taste of him was making me crazy that
morning, and I reached down for my cock and jerked on it while I kept sucking
on him. I kept my lips locked hard on his shaft, and buried my nose in his pubic
hair when I swallowed him again, and Brian’s hands shoved down hard on my head.
I relaxed my throat, took him just that last little bit down, and then hummed
softly while I swallowed. He gave a painful jerk on my hair, and groaned out
my name, and then he froze and flooded down my throat.
Brian pulled me up, and I brought him the last bit of his come on my tongue,
and he ate it out of my mouth while his hand slid down between us and grasped
my cock. The water was still pouring down on both of us, and I came with my
face pressed into the curve of his neck.
Brian dried us both, and I realized how tired I was, and let myself sag into
him while he rubbed my hair dry. But even more than having not slept, I suddenly
felt tired of trying to avoid crossing some line in the sand I wasn’t sure was
even there anymore.
“I wish you weren’t going.”
His hands stopped moving on my head.
I kept talking. “I know I hate it when you try to stop me from doing things
I think I need to do. But I also hate it when you don’t tell me what you think
about what I’m doing.”
He didn’t say anything for a while, and when he did, his voice was quiet. “I’m
leaving tomorrow morning. It’s kind of hard for me to try to change everything
now.”
“I know. I just wanted to tell you.”
He kissed my forehead, then turned me around and pushed me out the door. “Go
sleep.”
I nodded vaguely and crawled under the duvet, pulling his pillow into my arms
and falling asleep almost before I even closed my eyes.
Brian’s POV
I was sitting in my office staring at my laptop, trying to find a small window
of opportunity in my schedule for something other than work, sleep, and sitting
on an airplane. It had been a long time since Justin had asked me not to go
away.
I looked at my email, and decided it was my day for unsolvable problems.
I’d been trying for a month to get PlayStation 3 for Gus’ birthday, but it seemed
there were some things even money couldn’t buy; it wasn’t going to be available
until November and that was that. My next chance to give it to him was Christmas,
and by then, all his little friends would have it.
I picked up the phone and called Lindsay. “So, if I can’t get this fucking PlayStation
3, what the fuck else does Gus want for his birthday?”
“Hi and how are you, too, Brian?” She sounded exasperated.
I waited.
She sighed.
“Okay, he likes all kinds of electronic games, especially the ones where everyone
gets killed in spectacularly horrifying ways, but I’m pretty sure you’ve already
gotten him all of those. Other than that, all he cares about are horses. And
before you ask, if you ever bring up the horse thing again, I’ll have you killed.
I know people.”
I opened up the “Gus” folder in my browser’s bookmarks, hoping I’d find something
that combined horses and electronic games. “The only person you ‘know’ is me,
and I’m not planning on hiring a hit man to have myself killed.”
Lindsay sighed again.
“You sigh too much.”
“It’s a side effect of parenthood.” I heard an electronic timer going off in
the background. “Brian, I have to get these cupcakes out of the oven, there’s
a bake sale at Gus’ school today and I have to drop them off on my way to the
gallery.”
“And here I was complaining about having to be in Chicago, New York, San Francisco,
LA, Costa Rica, and then Chicago again, all before the end of the month.” Better
permanent jet lag than bake sales and cupcakes.
“You’ll be here for Gus’ birthday?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.” As long as I found him a present. I opened a bookmark
that said “Horse.”
“Costa Rica?”
“It’s the new gay retirement and vacation paradise. You need to keep up.”
“I’ll try to brush up on gay demographic trends, after I frost these cupcakes.”
“Lindz?”
“Brian, I really have to go… what is it?” I heard the oven door slam.
“A giant carousel horse?”
“Define ‘giant.’”
“Life-sized.”
She paused for a minute. “I’m not sure. It could go in the family room. But
would he like it?”
I put my head down on my desk. “I thought money could fix anything.”
“Welcome to the world of parenthood.”
“Who knew jerking off in a cup could have so many far-reaching and unpredictable
repercussions?”
She laughed. “Not us, obviously.”
It was my turn to sigh. “I’ll call if I get any more brilliant ideas.”
“I’ll call if I think of anything guaranteed to make all Gus’ friends tell him
that he has the coolest dad ever.”
“Thanks. I think.”
“Honestly, Brian, he’ll love whatever you get him. He’s your son. Get him something
you’d have liked.”
I hung up the phone and then punched in Justin’s cell number. I heard music
in the background when he answered.
“Hey. You woke up.”
“Yeah, sort of. What’s up?” The volume of the music suddenly dropped.
“Would Gus like a life-sized carousel horse?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Neither did Lindz.”
“No luck on PlayStation 3?”
“Nothing. Anyone at the magazine have anything?”
“Nope. I even had Kalli call our old boss, he said no way. And Michael called
some comic book friends, nothing. You know what this means.”
I groaned. “Don’t say it.” The mall.
Justin laughed. It was my day to be laughed at.
“Later.”
“Later.” I snapped the phone shut, and went back to staring at my schedule.
Ted came in around 4 PM, to tell me that the deal to buy the warehouse next
door would be finalized in the morning. I signed what he put in front of me,
and sighed.
He lifted an eyebrow. “Second thoughts?”
I shook my head. “No, Theodore, I’m tap dancing with joy over the real estate
deal, it’s the frequent flyer miles that are starting to get a little tedious.”
Ted violated our employer-employee relationship and sat down on the sofa. “You’re
the boss, send someone else.”
“Who?”
“Cynthia, me, or any one of the dozen account executives who will soon be falling
at your feet in gratitude at the additional office and conference space you’re
opening up by buying the new building.”
“Are you suggesting I have a problem delegating authority?”
“No, there’s no problem, except that you don’t delegate it.”
I thought about that for a minute. “Justin asked me not to go on this trip.”
“What did you say?”
“That I was leaving tomorrow.”
“Ouch.”
I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. “I have advanced interpersonal
communications skills. Why is this so hard?”
“You tell me.”
I opened my eyes. “Is that a little therapeutic tool you picked up from Blake?”
“I learned that one from you.”
“That’s your first mistake.”
Ted came over and sat in the chair next to my desk. I looked at him but didn’t
say anything.
He spoke slowly. “Did you want to tell Justin you’d stay home?”
I nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell him that?”
“Because it was too late to cancel the trip.”
“No, why didn’t you tell him you wanted to, but couldn’t?”
I looked at him. “Because that’s bullshit? If I wanted to, I would.”
“Brian? Speaking of bullshit?”
I got up from my desk and walked over to the bar. “Fuck you.” But I didn’t say
it in a mean way.
Ted got up and walked over to me, and patted me on the arm. I knocked back a
drink and didn’t say anything, and eventually he left.
When I got home that night, there was music blasting from Justin’s studio, but
by the time I was done working out, it was off. I was standing in the kitchen
staring into the depths of the refrigerator when he came up behind me.
“There’s nothing there. We should go shopping.”
I shuddered and turned to look at him. “Normally those are my favorite words,
but when you add the modifier ‘grocery’ to ‘shopping,’ everything changes.”
He laughed. “We have to get Gus a birthday present too, so bring your platinum
card.”
“I’m not buying Gus a present at the mall.”
Justin raised his eyebrow. “That’s where they keep the stores, though.”
I shook my head. “They keep them in my computer, and of course, in New York
City.”
He laughed. “Of course. Well, I have to find him something, unless we’re giving
him a couples gift.”
“A couples gift?”
“It’s a lesbian thing.”
“Oh, okay. Then no, we’re not. Because however much of a twat you might be most
of the time, you don’t actually HAVE a twat.”
“Thanks for noticing.”
I slammed the refrigerator door. “Let’s go find some food before you faint from
starvation.”
“Brian. You were the one gazing into the refrigerator like a man whose last
hope just died.”
“Delusional. It must be malnutrition. We’d better go.”
“To the market or the mall?” Justin looked confused.
I shook my head. “Neither. Out to dinner.”
“Are you asking me on a date?”
I smacked him on the ass. “Go get dressed.”
I followed him upstairs, not planning on going to dinner in my workout clothes.
He got in the shower with me, and I scrubbed at the paint on his arms.
“Justin?”
His forehead was resting against my throat. “Yeah?”
I stood there, letting the water beat down on my head. “We should eat.”
He looked at me. The water had beaded on his lashes. I got out of the shower
and went into the bedroom to get dressed.
Justin’s POV
I didn’t know what was eating at him, but Brian was pretty much radiating tension
all night. We went out for sushi, but he barely ate. I asked if he wanted to
go to Babylon, and he said no, but when we got home, he drank two scotches before
I even got my shoes off, and two more before I’d finished my beer.
I took one last swallow and set the bottle down on the table. Brian was sitting
next to me, watching a movie, but his eyes were glassy and I doubted he was
paying any attention. I picked up the remote and turned it off. He didn’t say
anything, didn’t even blink.
I took his glass out of his hand and set it down next to my beer. I slid across
his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and touching his mouth softly with
mine.
He kissed me back, but his restlessness was boiling out of him even while he
let my tongue touch his. I knew he was drunk, and he felt like a mass of chaotic
energy.
I buried my face in his neck, breathing in his smell, and then I stood up.
Brian looked up at me, and I looked back at him. “Come to bed.”
For a minute I thought he’d do it, but he shook his head. “You go.”
I wasn’t going to remind him that he was going away the next day. I just leaned
down and took his hand. “Come on, Brian.”
I didn’t wait for him to agree, just pulled on his hand, and he stood up slowly.
I kissed him again, and this time he felt more like himself, and his mouth was
a little warmer.
We went upstairs, and I took his clothes off, and then mine. I pulled the duvet
back and we lay down facing each other. His body felt tense and still, at the
same time.
I ran my hand down his side and pressed on his hip. He looked at me, and I smiled
at him, and blinked. Trust me, I thought.
After a minute he sighed and turned over, burying his face in his arms and letting
his thighs fall open.
I sat back on my heels for a minute, thinking how beautiful he looked like that,
before I dropped my face down and kissed the small of his back. He felt warm
under my lips, but I could still feel the tension coming off him in waves.
I gently spread his ass cheeks and licked down his crack to his asshole, swirling
the tip of my tongue around every little wrinkle and fold, feeling him pressing
back into my mouth. I let my spit run down onto him, spreading it with my finger
and pressing against the smooth spot behind his balls, probing into him with
my tongue, and then using the wetness to let me slide a finger inside, too.
I bent my finger and let my knuckle brush against his prostate while my thumb
pressed down from the outside. He gave a sharp groan and went up on his knees,
dropping his face onto his forearms.
I got on my knees behind him, my finger still inside him. I moved my mouth to
his balls, licking them, sucking one, then the other, softly into my mouth.
I kept pressing on his prostate from the outside and the inside at the same
time, and he lifted his head up and then dropped it back down. He’d moved his
arms out, and he had the sheet clutched in his fists, and he was rocking back
and forth against my mouth and moaning with the pressure of my fingers.
I gently pulled my finger out of him and sat back and picked up the lube, and
filled my palm with it. I touched his ass lightly and he pushed back against
my fingers, and I slid them in and lubed him, then pulled them out and covered
my dick, too.
His knuckles were white against the dark sheet that was still bunched in his
fists. I rested my forehead on his back while I went into him, biting my lip
and holding my breath. When I was all the way in him, buried in him, his breathing
ragged and shallow underneath me, I pulled back out and thrust in again, not
rocking against him, but really fucking him.
Brian moaned twice and then started to move, pushing back every time I thrust
into him. He was on his knees, and still had his face buried in the pillow in
front of him. I bit my lip again, and took a deep breath, and tried to keep
my mind on him and not let my orgasm rise up and wipe my brain clean, make me
forget Brian and his body under me, surrounding and squeezing my cock.
Then he turned his head to the right, looking over his shoulder right into my
eyes. His lips were parted and he was breathing fast. He’d never looked at me
like that while I was fucking him, out from under his lashes, his eyes all glittery
and dark.
I changed the angle of my hips and stroked across his prostate with my cock,
and I saw him bite his lip and close his eyes, watched his face tighten with
pleasure and then relax, and I stroked across it again. This time he didn’t
close his eyes. He kept them open and locked on mine, and I fought back the
wave of heat that washed over me.
I kept watching his face. I knew he was going to come, from the way his ass
tightened on my cock, from the way his eyes looked, from the tension in his
neck and his mouth. I knew it from the way he was moaning and pushing back into
me, and how when I let my cock rub across his prostate he shuddered under me.
I blinked the sweat away from my eyes.
Brian groaned and bucked back onto me, bringing me deeper into him, and clenching
on me suddenly and fiercely. He started to come, and I saw his hands tighten
on the sheet and heard it tear, just as his ass tightened on my cock. He gave
a moan I usually only heard from him when he was coming inside me.
“Justin…” His voice was hoarse and desperate.
It felt like something hot untwisted itself at the base of my spine, and poured
into Brian, while he arched himself back against me. I tried to keep my eyes
open but I couldn’t, I had to close them and press my forehead against his back
and bite at his shoulder, my fingers digging into his hips while I held myself
rigid, coming and coming inside him.
I opened my eyes, and he’d let go of the sheet.
I lay there on him for a long time, and finally eased my cock out of his ass.
I cleaned us off, and then pulled the duvet up over us both. He turned around
and I settled into his arms.
I kissed his chest. “Do you want me to set the alarm?”
He sighed. “Yeah. My flight’s at 7:30. Can you set it for 5?”
I sat up, set the alarm, and lay down again, Brian’s hand in my hair.
Brian’s POV
When I came out of the terminal in Pittsburgh at the end of the week, I was
surprised at how cold it was. I got into the car and settled into the back seat
while Evan drove me out to the house. I tried Justin’s cell, but it rolled to
voice mail.
When I got home, the house was dark, except for the outside and hall lights.
It was just a few minutes past midnight, but his studio was dark, too.
I turned on the lights and looked around. There were three new paintings, one
of which I’d seen in its earliest stages, two completely new to me.
I sat down at Justin’s worktable and stared at the painting hanging directly
across from me, on the big empty wall. The lower half was a cacophony of green
tones, with just enough of a hint of form to suggest they were meant to be leaves
and trees. The green became completely abstract as it narrowed and erupted up
in the middle of the painting, and the top was a pale yellow field, ridged and
heavy with pigment. It was both totally unlike anything he’d ever done, and
absolutely identifiable as being his.
I put my head down on the table and closed my eyes. Obviously, I should go out
of town more often.
“Brian?” Justin was standing in the doorway, wearing his sweatpants and nothing
else. “What’s wrong? What are you doing down here?”
I gestured at his paintings. “Fuck, Justin.”
He looked at them, and then back at me. He looked confused. “What?”
I shook my head. “Sometimes it’s just a little overwhelming.”
He stood there for a minute, and I kept looking at the painting.
He shifted from one bare foot to the other, and then frowned at me. “Let’s go
to bed. We have Gus’ party in the morning.”
I stood up, and he waited in the doorway until I left the room, then he switched
off the light and we went upstairs. He was curled up in bed and mostly asleep
when I got in with him.
“Justin?”
“Hmmm?” He didn’t open his eyes.
I kissed his forehead. “Happy Gus’ birthday.”
He didn’t just wake up, he sat up. And looked at me with something like the
expression I probably had when I looked at his painting downstairs. “Brian.”
“Yeah?”
He got out of bed and shoved his hand through his hair. I sat up and looked
at him, wishing I’d stayed in Chicago. “What?”
“Can’t you just fucking say it?”
I stared at him.
“What, no sarcastic comments that it’s not that you can’t, it’s that you won’t?”
Now I got up. “Where the fuck did that come from?”
He sat down on the bed, and then lay down, staring at the ceiling. “Fuck if
I know.”
I sat next to him. “You’re freaking me out, Justin.”
He laughed. “Yeah. I know the feeling.”
I sat there for a minute, trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. “I
don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Justin opened his eyes and looked right into mine. “Happy anniversary, Brian.
I met you six years ago tonight, and you took me home and made love to me, and
I haven’t stopped loving you one day since then.”
I lay down next to him and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m not good at this.”
“I know. Try.”
I said it quietly. “Happy anniversary.”
Justin turned his head and looked at me. I just slanted my eyes a little so
I could see him, but I didn’t turn my head.
“Come on, we should get some sleep.” Justin crawled up to the top of the bed
and wriggled under the duvet, and then pulled it back for me. I lay down next
to him, and almost hesitated before I pulled him against me.
Love was fucking exhausting.
Justin’s POV
I woke up with Brian pressing kisses into my neck, and when he fucked me, I
came so hard it hurt. He lay on me, my legs still loosely wrapped around him,
my feet resting on the backs of his legs.
“Brian?”
He kissed my neck but didn’t say anything.
“We should get up.”
He sighed and carefully pulled out of me, and then held out his hand to pull
me up with him.
We showered and then went to Mel and Lindsay’s. There was a gigantic inflatable
Superman bounce house in the backyard. Melanie waved at us over the fence when
we walked up to the front door.
Brian and I went in and I put Gus’ present with the rest of them. Lindsay came
over and kissed us both hello, and Brian grabbed a soda from the ice chest on
the floor.
“No beer? And you couldn’t get a Rage jumpy house for the party?”
Lindsay laughed. “That’s a marketing opportunity Justin and Michael seem to
have missed.”
Brian and I walked outside and stood watching the kids jumping. Gus was inside
the house, bouncing and falling with everyone else. He hadn’t seen us yet.
“So, what did you end up getting him?”
“Something I always wanted.” He took a swallow of his soda.
I raised an eyebrow. “And?”
“It’s in the garage.”
“You got him a CAR? Brian. He’s six years old.”
He laughed. “I know how old he is. Come see it.”
I followed him back inside and then through the kitchen to the garage. Sitting
in the corner behind some boxes was a child-sized Corvette, dark green, just
like daddy’s.
“Where the fuck did you get that?” I couldn’t believe it. “Does this thing run
on gas?”
“eBay. And no, it runs on electricity. You just keep it plugged in and it recharges.”
I kissed him on the cheek. “You’re amazing.”
He nodded. “It’s true. I am.”
I turned him so he was facing me, and went up on my toes and kissed him, hard.
He put his soda on the boxes stacked next to the car, and then held my face
in his hands and kissed me, his tongue gently tracing inside my lips.
We went outside, and I felt my stomach clench when I saw Michael standing next
to Mel, who was holding JR. Brian rested his hand on my back.
“I guess I need to talk to Michael.”
“I guess you do. But you don’t have to do it today.”
“Yeah, I do. I’ve been putting it off all week, he’s called me three times.”
“He’s probably figured it out, Justin.”
I shrugged. “Maybe. But I have to tell him.”
Brian surprised me by kissing my cheek, but he didn’t try to argue with me.
Gus finally caught sight of him, and came hurtling out of the bounce house screaming
“Daddy” at the top of his lungs.
Brian laughed and caught his six-year-old ballistic missile, and I gritted my
teeth and went over to Michael.
He gave me a look when I said hello, and I decided Brian was right. He’d figured
it out.
“So, you didn’t call me back.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I was working, but I should have called.”
He looked at me. “How’s it going?”
“The painting’s going fine, but I’m not going to make the deadline for Rage.”
He was quiet for a minute. “Are you going to stop drawing the comic?”
“Michael, I swear, when my show is over, I’ll draw it. I want to draw it. I
just can’t do both.”
“Because of your hand?”
I didn’t answer right away. “I think this was just too much work in too little
time. I can’t just… turn it on and off like that.”
“Justin.”
I looked at him and bit my lip.
“Justin, if you’re going to stop drawing the comic, you need to tell me.” He
looked upset, more than angry.
I shook my head. “No, really Michael. I’d tell you. I love Rage. It’s just…
hard to know which important thing is more important sometimes.”
Michael looked down at the ground and scuffed his shoe in the dirt. Then he
shrugged. “I know. It’s just, this is really important to me. And I can’t do
it without you.” He looked at me then. “And I wouldn’t want to do it without
you.”
I nodded. “I’m not stopping. I just need to focus on the show right now.”
We started walking towards the house, and Michael looked at me. “Did you tell
Brian?”
I laughed. “He told me.”
Michael grinned. “He sucks that way.”
“How’s Ben?”
“He’s fine. He’s starting on the new drug therapy at the end of next week.”
We went inside and got some food, and then sat down in the living room. Everyone
was outside, so we had the sofa, and a few dozen helium balloons, all to ourselves.
I put a forkful of lasagna in my mouth cautiously. I actually tasted meat.
“Hey. This isn’t terrible.”
Michael nodded. “I know, my mom put her foot down. And you know, Mel and Lindz
aren’t vegetarians, they’re just lesbians.”
“Does that make any kind of sense?”
He shook his head. “None. That’s why mom made the meat lasagna.”
“Damn right, I did.” It was Debbie, earrings clanking as she plunked down next
to us on the sofa.
I took another bite. “It’s good, Debbie.”
“Of course it’s good. It’s my Nonna’s recipe. Doesn’t get any better than that.”
Michael whispered in my ear. “She got it out of a magazine when I was around
twelve.”
Debbie reached across me and smacked his cheek. “I heard that.”
Suddenly a flood of six year olds crashed through the front door, and the general
decibel level went up by a factor of ten. I must have flinched, because Michael
laughed. “That’s my cue.”
He got up and went back outside, but I stayed with Debbie while the kids and
a few moms started piling food onto paper plates in the dining room.
She looked at me. “You look tired.”
“I’m tired.”
“Uh huh. Why?”
I looked out the window, then back at her. “I just… can’t quite figure out how
it all fits together.”
“How all what fits together?”
“Brian. Art. Rage. My hand. Money. Living here.”
“Oh. You mean, everything. Life.”
I laughed. “I guess so.”
She ate some lasagna. “Justin, Sunshine, if I had the answer to that, I’d be
goddamned Oprah Winfrey. All I can tell you is, he fucking loves you. I’ve never
seen him like this. He’s so happy it scares the crap out of me.”
I got up and went over the window, and then turned around and looked at her.
“Scares you?”
“Love like that’s a scary thing.”
The kids came back in then, so I went outside, thinking about what Debbie said,
and looking for Brian. He was sitting out on the front porch, smoking, but he
put it out when he saw me.
I sat down next to him. “You know, cigarettes I don’t see you smoke are just
as bad for you as ones I do.”
He smiled sideways at me. “I know.”
“Brian, are you happy?”
“I could use a drink and something to eat other than Debbie’s lasagna, but otherwise
I’m fine.”
“I mean, with how things are, with us. The house. Work. Art. Life.”
He stared at me for a minute. “We’re at a six-year-old’s birthday party and
this is what you’re thinking about?”
I nodded. He looked away from me, and then sighed and put his arm around my
shoulder. “Are you happy?”
I looked at him, and smiled. I should have made him answer first, but this wasn’t
a game, it was a conversation. “Yeah, I’m happy.”
He sat there, and I thought he probably wished he hadn’t thrown away his cigarette.
I rested my head on his shoulder, and tried not to think.
“When you came back, I was really happy.”
I was confused. “From New York?”
He shook his head. “From Ethan.”
I had a sudden urge to get up, but I didn’t. “Fuck, Brian.”
“I was. I honestly thought that was as happy as I could get. I had you, and
half of gay Pittsburgh, and a great job, and everything just the way I’d always
wanted it.” He stared at the houses across the street, and I just sat there,
feeling uncomfortable.
He sighed. “And then I lost my job, and everything with you got… complicated.
And then we ended up here.” He stopped talking.
“I think you skipped a bunch of stuff.” I bumped him with my shoulder.
He looked at me. “That was the complicated part.”
“And now?”
“If you want to fuck me, all you have to do is ask, you don’t have to fabricate
these discussions of our relationship.”
I laughed. “Asshole. Answer me.”
“Can you repeat the question?”
“Are. You. Happy.”
He took a deep breath. “Justin, do you really not know how happy I am?”
I tried to think what to say. “Remember when you said Debbie told you to tell
me you loved me, the first time we lived together?”
“The zucchini man?”
I nodded. “And I said I knew you loved me then, but I didn’t know you knew it?”
“I remember.”
“It’s like that. I know you’re happy. I guess I wonder if you know it.”
He looked at me silently for a minute. “I know it.”
“Good.”
The door opened behind us, and Lindsay came out. “Brian, the kids are going
to have cake now, and then open presents. Did you want to get the little car
out of the garage?”
Brian tipped his head back and looked at her. “Yeah, we’ll bring it in.” She
smiled and went back in the house, throwing a last look over her shoulder at
us, and winking at me before she shut the door. I put my head back on Brian’s
shoulder for a second, then I stood up and put out my hand.
He stood up, and for a minute I just looked up at him. His arms were resting
lightly around my shoulders, and he leaned down and touched my forehead with
his. “Justin, I love you.”
I smiled, because I couldn’t help it. I rested my hands on his arms and kissed
his jaw. I looked at his eyes, and felt something tense inside me snap.
“I love you, too.” I kissed him again. “Now come on, we have to go make Gus
happy. And his friends sick with jealousy.”
Brian laughed and tugged me after him down the path to the garage.