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Gradiva
Warnings:
Some chapters are heavy on smut, others are not. Overall, NC-17.
A fair amount of angst.
A little S&M, but nothing major at all.
Not beta-ed and written between midnight and 5 AM b/c of lack of sleep.
Random Meta:
lenajill
wanted Biblical references. Blame her.
I didn't put too many otherwise it would be a philosophy paper. If you really
want me to do that, I will, but not in a fic. I found my old notes on the Bible
and Nietzsche, so ... yeah, you REALLY don't want that.
viola69 and lenajill better be satisfied b/c I ain't rewriting this again. Also, they gave me the plot... or some of it. And pointed out stuff wrong with the original.
I didn't do the thing where Justin confronts Joanie, because:
(a) Justin is far too WASPY for a real smackdown with a woman, IMHO.
(b) Justin is fairly non-confrontational unlike, for instance, Craig.
(c) Randall and Cael are doing a fair amount of drama and smackdown, so not
going to steal their thunder.
I didn't want to RESOLVE the ending, so it's as Myrna would say "Hopeful,
if not happy."
References are from Nietzsche's "The wanderer and his shadow," "The Birth of Tragedy," and the "Antichrist." And of course, the Bible. And Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead."
* * * * * * * * *
Brian comes back to the loft frustrated, rummages through his things for a
wife-beater and a pair of jeans to wear to the Baths. The comfort of the Baths
is that once you entered you no longer were a person. He remembers once he went
into a room to see a man covered in towels except for his ass, which was being
raised and lowered slowly, as the man moaned, "Fuck me. Fuck me. Please fuck
me." There you were allowed to be desperate, less than human, to be nothing
more than body-parts writhing for immediate release. Even at Babylon, it made
some difference who you were - there were classes among the beautiful, rejections
and disappointments. At the Baths, anyone could fuck or get fucked. He needs
that now, needs to not be the Lord of Babylon, choosing and not-choosing, lighting
up others' faces or crushing them cruelly.
As he searches for his keys, Justin barrels in, in full drama-queen mode, starting
off the conversation with, "You asshole! When were you going to tell
me you were selling the loft?"
"Hopefully," he says, wincing as he ties on his shoelaces, "When I found a buyer."
"And that's it? You don't think I'd give a shit that you were selling this place?"
"It's none of your business." Except that the loft was Justin's home for longer
than he cares to remember.
"What do you mean it's none of my business?" Justin looks at him with intensely
blue eyes, trying to find words to stake his claim.
"Excuse me, but I'm the one trying to pay off a motherfucking hundred-thousand
dollar debt."
For a minute Justin looks flayed, but the hurt is quickly replaced by fury.
When he speaks his voice is dangerously quiet, "It's not my debt? So I can share
your loft, your food, let you pay my fucking tuition... but I can't share your
debt? You fucking shit."
Something snaps. "What the fuck is your problem? What do you want from me?"
It is Justin's face that frustrates him - one more in the line of those disappointed
by Brian Kinney.
"You think I don't spend every night thinking of ways to fix this shit? That
I don't keep wondering that maybe I shouldn't have let you pay that tuition
for me? That I fucking wasted it?" Justin's voice is rising again, and his eyes
fill with tears as he grabs Brian's shoulders and starts to shake him. "Why
don't you fucking hate me? I lost you your job. Why won't you say anything?
Why aren't you angry with me? Why don't you yell at me? Why can't you, for just
one fucking minute, be a normal person?"
Justin's fingers are pried away quickly, and Brian stares at the wall and says
softly, "I'm not the man you want me to be," and leaves for the Baths as Justin
watches with his hand over his mouth. He knows he ought to say something, to
reassure Justin that he doesn't hate him, never could, but he can't help the
overwhelming feeling that he'd probably fuck that up, and right now he doesn't
really want to try. He isn't a normal person, and he never will be, not even
for Joanie, who might die at any moment leaving him to think that he might have,
just might have had the chance to make her happy, but didn't.