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Allie
Disclaimer: All things QAF belong to CowLip. I take
liberties but they own them, I don’t.
Characters: All Queer As Folk characters
Pairing: Brian and Justin
Warning: Entire Thing will be NC-17. Spoilers for
like all Five Seasons.
IX - This is Not Good-bye
“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
~
Edna
Gus’ POV
The day is overcast and humid. It’s supposed to rain at least that’s what they’ve been saying. I’m standing at the gate wondering if I can do this. I don’t know if I can but I know I have to. I push the gate open and it squeaks…loudly. It’s creepy but I suppose that’s only because it’s the gate to a cemetery. I’ve never been to a cemetery in my life but just seeing all these headstones and knowing that underneath the grass and dirt are hundreds of coffins that hold decomposed bodies, well it’s just fucking creepy. I only have a vague idea of where to go. Melody explained where exactly it is. She offered to come with me but I told her I had to do this by myself.
I walk slowly on the sidewalk that runs through the middle
of the cemetery scuffing my shoes as I venture further and further into the
“
Halfway to the back part of the cemetery I turn down a smaller path to the left. When I near the end of the pathway I turn walking through the green grass near the wrought iron fencing toward his grave. As I approach it, close enough so I can see his name etched on the marble slab, I start grasping for breath and my heart starts hammering in my chest. I reach out gripping one of the bars of the fence as I fall to my knees because it’s suddenly just too fucking much, just too fucking real.
I think I must look pretty fucking stupid right now down on
my knees, my head pressed against the wrought iron bars, my hand shaking from
the tightness of my grip on the metal, my eyes shut tight, and my breath quick
and shallow. My forehead scrapes against the rough metal bar in time with my
breaths that rock my body back and forth. I know I have to get control of this,
I have to stop it, but my mind and body don’t seem to want to agree to the same
terms. It’s too fucking real and at the same time it doesn’t seem real at all.
Why did I even come here? Why am I doing this to myself? Because he deserves
it, my mind answers back. That thought is so sharp that it stings throughout
my entire body.
Slowly I open my eyes and there it is right in front of me
his fucking headstone.
ASHLEY
NOEL PARKER
NOV.15,
2000 – JAN. 01, 2017
BELOVED
SON
My body begins to convulse as sobs rack my body. I reach out griping another bar with my other hand and hold on because it feels as if each sob is being ripped from my body. I’ve cried because I miss him, I’ve cried because he’s not here, but I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to cry because he was fucking dead. Just fucking gone. Nothing but bones in a box under almost two year’s worth of dirt. Even in my dreams, in my memories, in my fucking thoughts he’s never really dead…he’s just…missing.
Releasing the bars I crawl on my hands and knees across the
grass not caring about stupid shit like grass stains on my new jeans until I
am face to face with his headstone. Once I’m over where his body is buried I
lay down, my face pressed into the grass, and all I smell is fucking dirt. Dirt,
not death. I reach out gripping at the grass just so I have something to hold
onto because right now I’m fucking falling apart, because now it’s real…it’s
fucking real. He isn’t just gone, he’s fucking dead.
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I feel a drop of rain on my forehead but I don’t move to wipe it away. I don’t know how long I’ve been laying here but I know it’s been at least an hour. I stopped crying a while ago but just don’t have the willpower to get up. Laying my cheek against the ground I notice that my hand is moving over the grass as if my touch can reach into the afterlife and caress him. Maybe I haven’t gotten up because I’m not finished here. I didn’t come here to fall apart, to shatter and break I came here to…because I needed to…I came here for him, for me.
“Ash…” The word scrapes against my sore throat and comes out
raspy and rough. “It’s Gus.” I feel fucking stupid talking to the air, laying
on the ground, fucking petting the grass but right now I really don’t fucking
care if I feel stupid or look stupid. I came here for this, to tell him things,
to let him know…so stupid or not I begin to talk. “I should have come sooner.”
I close my eyes. “But you understand don’t you? It wasn’t because I don’t miss
you.” I take a deep breath. “Do you know how fucking pathetic I feel right now?
If you were here…but you’re not.” I press my body closer to the ground. “There
are all these things I want to say to you but I’m thinking what fucking good
will it do? It’s not like you can hear me. Maybe it’s for me…of course you’re
probably not surprised since you always thought I was a selfish asshole anyway.”
I smile but it fades quickly. “I’m going to
I stop talking. It’s not like there isn’t more I can say but suddenly it feels like I’ve said all I need to. Opening my eyes I pull myself up to my knees as the rain starts come down harder. Pushing back my wet hair I stare at his headstone blinking away the rain that catches in my eyelashes. Reaching out I trace his name with my finger surprised at how warm the marble feels and how smooth the etched letters are. I don’t know why but I lean forward and kiss the rain slicked surface and mumble into the hardness, “I’ll never forget you.”