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Allie
Disclaimer: All things QAF belong to CowLip. I take
liberties but they own them, I don’t.
Characters: All Queer As Folk characters
Pairing: Brian and Justin
Warning: Entire Thing will be NC-17. Spoilers for
like all Five Seasons.
VIII - Why Don’t We Tell Each Other These Things?
“A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child.”
~ Knights of Pythagoras ~
May 25, 2019 10:01pm
Gus’ POV
There are times when Dad gets this look in his eyes that screams
“playtime is over.” That’s how he’s looking at me right now. It’s not that I
intentionally kept things from him, okay so maybe I did but it’s easy to do
when he’s not around all the time. I was five when we moved to
I don’t know what to tell him or even what he wants to hear
so I start small. “That girl, Grace, she’s Ash’s twin sister.”
He stands up a little straighter and crosses his arms. His
eyes don’t leave mine. “Okay.” He says.
I shrug. “I didn’t want her to be here but Ma told me she was
going to be and that I had to basically make nice with her.” Okay so here it
is. I know my Ma and Dad don’t really like each other so maybe I’m using this
information to get back at Ma for letting Grace be here and for making me see
her.
“Well what does she want?”
I shrug again. “To talk to me, to see me…I don’t really fucking
know.”
“Why don’t you want to see her?”
I look away and then back at him. I don’t know if I can tell
him, if I should tell him. Sure I queened out when Ma demanded I see Grace but
I never said why I didn’t want to. He’s watching me and he’s waiting and I know
he’s going to be able to tell if I lie to any degree. I turn away from him and
grip the railing. “She fucking looks just like him.”
I hear him make a sound behind me that could be an ah or something
to that effect. I hear him sit down on the swing and light a cigarette. “Gus
come sit with me.”
I look over my shoulder at him for a minute before finally
moving to sit down beside him. I think about lighting my own cigarette but I
don’t. We just sit there for awhile. I don’t say anything and he seems content
to smoke his cigarette. When he finishes it he flicks it toward the bushes and
leans back in the swing draping his arms over the back of it. “You’re having
nightmares.” It’s not a question.
I whip my head toward him. “How the fuck do you know that?
Just because I’m on some fucking med-”
When he turns to look at me the words die in my throat. I can’t
even begin to describe the expression on his face or the look in his eyes. He
looks away from me. “Sonnyboy, we are going to have a talk.” I just stare at
him because I have no idea what the fuck is going on. He’s deadly serious though,
that I can fucking tell. He’s quiet for so long that I want to ask him what
he’s going to say but I just wait because that seems like the right thing to
do. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as if what he’s about to say
will cause him pain. “You know about Justin right?”
Immediately I want to start freaking out because all these
thoughts start flying through my brain like Justin’s leaving, Justin’s
sick, something is wrong with Justin and whatever it is it’s fucking bad because
Dad looks like someone just opened his chest with a dull knife and removed his
heart…slowly.
“Oh my god what’s wrong with him?” My voice is high and tight
but I can’t help it because the panic I feel inside works its way out.
He opens his eyes but still doesn’t look at me. “Nothing…now.”
He says slowly. I furrow my brow because I really don’t have any idea what he’s
talking about. “You know about him being bashed?” He asks.
Oh…okay. I slump against the swing and look out into the yard.
“Yeah, I know.”
“He was the same age you are now-”
“Dad, I’m not sure what-”
“Just listen Sonnyboy.” I shut my mouth but I’m still confused
because I have no idea what Justin being bashed has to do with anything. It’s
not a secret. It’s really a part of our family history. I think it might have
been one of the first things I learned about Justin. My Dad went to his prom,
they danced, then some homophobic asshole tried to kill Justin.
“Did you know he was in a coma for two weeks?”
I turn to look at him. “He was?” No one ever told me that.
In fact besides the basics, I realize that I don’t really know that much about
the bashing.
“Yeah, he was.” He lights another cigarette keeping his eyes
on some unknown spot in the backyard. I watch him though because his voice sounds
different and I think maybe he looks a little different too, older. “Rehab for
a month after that.” He takes a drag of his cigarette. “He was in the hospital
a long fucking time.” He closes his eyes again and opens them slowly. “It took
a long time for him to get better.”
“Why?” I ask without meaning to mostly because I suddenly want
to know everything and mostly because no one has ever really told me anything
about this.
“For many reasons. It fucked up his hand for one. He had to
learn how to fucking reuse it, how to fucking draw again. It gives him shit
even today.” He takes a drag of his cigarette. “He woke up from that coma a
different person.”
My breath catches in my throat. My mind races because that’s
exactly how it was for me. I woke up and I just didn’t feel the same. Things
didn’t look the same. I wasn’t the same.
“It wasn’t just his hand.” He shakes his head. “He had fucking
nightmares, panic attacks, and this fear. He was never afraid before.” He turns
to look at me then. “He was the bravest fucker I knew and then he just wasn’t.”
“Dad I-”
“I’m telling you this because no one else has.” He turns from
me taking a drag of his cigarette before flicking it into the bushes. After
a moment he looks at me. “And to tell you that we know, Justin and I know what
you’re going through. He’s been there and I’ve seen it so you don’t have to
pretend with us.”
I’ve never seen my Dad like this so serious and a tone in his
voice that is laced with a sadness that I’ve never heard from him. “But he got
better.” I say because Justin seems fine to me.
“Eventually. He was on a shitload of pills for a while.” Yeah
I can fucking relate to that I think to myself. He shakes his head and looks
away from me. “Had to fucking learn how to walk down the fucking street alone
without being afraid someone was going to come after him.”
“I can’t drive at night without freaking out.” I tell him.
I don’t know why I say it maybe it’s because now I know he’ll understand. I
didn’t think anyone could really understand before.
He turns back to face me. “Have you told anyone that? Your
Moms? The doctor?”
“Why would I? They’d just put me on another fucking medicine.”
He drapes his arm over my shoulders and I lean into him. Dad
and I have never really had the kind of relationship where we hug a lot. I’m
not sure why since he doesn’t really seem to have an issue with affection. Maybe
it’s me or maybe it’s that we have never been around each other as much as we
should have been. It doesn’t matter because when he puts his arms around me,
like he is right now, it just makes me feel safer, protected.
I take a deep breath inhaling a mix of his and Justin’s expensive
colognes, whiskey, and the musk of cigarette smoke. The smells of my Dad. “How
long did it take for him to get better?” I ask because I want to know how long
I have to go. How long will I continue to feel this way? When will it get better
and be okay?
He pulls me a little tighter against him. “A long fucking time.
Sometimes it all still affects him.” He pauses. “It takes a long time Gus. You’ll
never be completely over it but you’ll learn how to cope.”
“Did it affect you?”
He doesn’t say anything for a long time and I wonder if I asked
something I shouldn’t have. Maybe it was a stupid question because I should
be smart enough to know that it did just by the sound of his voice. Finally
he says, “More than I was willing to admit.” His grip on my shoulder tightens.
“He almost died…not just in that fucking parking garage, not just in the ambulance
on the way to the hospital…it was three days before anyone knew if he’d even
fucking make it at all.” The pain in his voice is so sharp that it cuts me from
the inside out.
“I didn’t know.” I say softly.
“I know.” He takes a deep breath. “It was the same with you…waiting
to see if you’d make it. It was fucking terrifying.”
I wrap my arms around him and press my face to his chest as
tears well up in my eyes. “It sucks.”
Wrapping his arms around me he pulls me tighter to him and
for the first time I feel like a child in my Dad’s arms. He strokes my hair
away from my face and I wonder if my Mom told him that sometimes I need this.
“It’ll get better Sonnyboy. It’ll get better.”
Gus’ POV
I leave Dad out on the back porch and go in search of Justin.
Something just tells me that Dad needs him right now. I’ve never had a conversation
like that with my Dad before. He’s never been so open to me. I realize he’s
never let me see that some shit in his life has left him with deep wounds and
even deeper scars that sometimes still bleed. It’s fucked up but it made me
feel closer to him.
As we were talking I wondered why no one ever really told me
about what happened to Justin and Dad after the bashing. I guess no one
else could know or if they did…well there was no way they would know what Dad
told me. We talked for a long time. He told me things and I told him things.
It made me feel connected to him in a way I’ve never felt before. It’s like
over the last four days I’ve come to realize that my Dad isn’t the person I
always thought he was. I’ve gained a new perspective on the man and a whole
new respect for him.
It’s later than I thought when I enter the house, after
“You okay?” He asks in this really soft voice like maybe he
knows I’m not.
I nod and tell him. “Fine, but I think Dad needs you.”
He doesn’t respond just sort of nods his head like he figured
that was what I was going to say. When he passes me on the way to the back door
his squeezes my shoulder. It isn’t much but I take it for what it is…comfort,
support, and knowing even without saying what went on between me and Dad.
When he’s gone I turn to see my Moms looking at me. “You alright
sweetie?” Mom asks with a smile on her face but worry in her eyes.
I should be mad at her for telling Dad about the sleeping pills
but I’m too tired and too drained right now and besides that I have one more
thing to do before I can put this day to rest.
Pushing myself off the wall I walk towards where Grace is sitting.
“I’m fine.” I tell Mom stopping next to Grace. I look down at her and she looks
up at me. It takes everything I have not to look away. “Can I talk to you?”
I jerk my head toward the front door. “Out there.”
I know Mom and Ma are looking at me probably waiting for me
to explode or scream or something but I ignore them and walk outside waiting
for Grace to join me. I still don’t want to talk to her or look at her or really
fucking see her but Dad said I should just listen to what she has to say. “It
can’t hurt to hear her out.” He told me. Maybe not or maybe it will hurt more
but he’s right I should just get it over with.
I cross my arms and avoid looking her in the eye. “Well?”
“I just wanted to…see you.”
“Why?”
“I needed to remember him.”
I meet her eyes. “By seeing me and going to my fucking graduation?”
She shrugs. “I don’t expect you to understand Gus. It’s how
I chose to remember him. I wanted to see what would have been his graduation
too.” She takes a step closer but I take a step back from her. “I wanted to
see you because he loved you and…” She bites her lip. “You loved him and I just
wanted to remember that he was loved.”
I don’t know what to say to that so I don’t say anything. What
could I say? It doesn’t make sense to me. We both just sort of stand there.
I can feel her eyes on me while I look everywhere but at her.
“You never answered any of my letters.” Her voice is so quiet
I can barely hear it.
“I never opened them.” I tell her.
“Right.” She takes a deep breath. “I…I wasn’t trying to hurt
you by coming tonight I just wanted to see you and remember things about him
that maybe I’d forgotten.” I glance at her and see a tear snake it’s way down
her cheek. “I’ll go now.” She says finally.
I just nod my head. She walks down the stairs to her
car and I walk back inside. I listened to what she had to say and for tonight
that’s the best I can do.
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Justin’s POV
He’s quiet on the way to the hotel. He holds my hand from the
time we leave the rental car until we enter our suite. We get ready for bed
in silence. I can guess what he and Gus talked about tonight. I know he’s trying
to get his emotions in order and I know he needs to do that in silence. I am
more than happy to provide that solace. We slide between the cool sheets and
turn out the lights. I remain on my side of the bed until he pulls me to him
wrapping his arms around me. I move within his arms so that I’m more comfortable
and also so I can wrap my arms around him. He pulls me tighter against his chest
his breath hot against the top of my head.
“Justin?”
“Mmm?”
He takes a deep breath. “I love you and I’m fucking glad you’re
here.”
He doesn’t mean in this hotel room, in this bed, in