The Brian and Justin Make-Up Scene…if I ruled the world.
Brian
I hadn’t seen him in, I don’t know, three months. That’s a lie…a total fucking
lie. I can give you a number, an exact number of days…but I won’t.
He moved back in with his mother, who surely hates me more now than she ever
did before, something I’d thought next to impossible. He started seeing the
fiddler exclusively. He left the diner and got a job on campus at PIFA. He and
Mikey put “Rage” on hiatus until things cooled off. The last bit was the only
part I said shit about. I spoke my piece to each of them and then let it go.
They’re both adults, or both purport to be, so they were going to do what they
were going to do. C’est la vie.
So the days came and went and the weeks came and went and then the months came
and went. They all expected me to fall apart. Lose myself in narcotics and tricks
and OD out in the alley behind Babylon while buried dick-deep in some guy’s
ass. Whatever, I did none of the above.
Okay, so after he collected his shit and vacated the premises I started to go
out a little more. Fuck, I was entitled. My monthly totals were way down with
him living in the loft and it was high time I got them back up into the double
digits. And okay…maybe I was doing a little more coke and a little more “E”
and smoking a little more dope. But, shit…it was time to celebrate right? I
had my fucking life back.
So I was off celebrating and finally forgetting about him. I was living my fucking
life. I swear I hadn’t thought about the kid in weeks…okay days, but still…it
was something. Then it happened.
Justin
So the last few months have been…I don’t know they’ve just been. I decided to
NOT move in with Ethan even though he pleaded and begged. I decided that for
once in my life I was going to listen to the rational part of my brain, not
the passionate part. So I took my old room at my mom’s condo, a space still
foreign to me in many ways. Then I quit the diner. Finally, I kept dating Ethan.
Ethan…I sigh every time I say his name. He’s sweet and tolerant and passionate
and he loves me. That’s all anyone should want, right? I wish I truly believed
that.
I’d been systematically avoiding Brian like the plague. I still keep in touch
with Emmett and Ted, the obnoxiously happy couple, and I still see Mel and Linds.
Michael and I talk occasionally because of the comic, but we’re not actively
working on it right now so I don’t have to see him much. Just as well…we can’t
be in the same room with one another without being shitty. Having friends in
common with Brian is awkward. At first I thought I would just walk away from
them all. I thought if I decided to leave Brian then I had to be sure I was
willing to give them all up too. They were his family first. But Deb, the girls,
Em and Ted were quick to tell me I couldn’t shake them so easily. Thank God
for all of them, I really needed them much more than I realized.
Having them all in my life has made keeping tabs on Brian pretty easy and avoiding
him even easier. From what I hear he works crazy hours, hits the clubs every
night and takes home a new guy at least five times a week. Some things never
change. And all I have to do to avoid him is steer clear of Babylon and Woody’s…not
a hard task since Ethan hates those places.
It’s been at least three months since the “Rage” party and about that long since
I’d seen Brian. I was finally working him out of each corner of my mind. I had
to purposefully will memories to bury themselves deep and I had to actively
concentrate on not thinking about Brian. But it was working. It was all working.
Hell, I could go an entire day (well almost) without seeing his face float through
my mind. Then it happened.
Brian
“Hey, do you want me to pick you up after you close?”
“Sure, why don’t you come by around 8?”
“Why so late?”
”I have a few things to do, so don’t bother coming before 8.”
“Whatever Mikey, I’ll see you then.”
“Bye.”
I don’t know what the fuck he has to do at the fucking comic store until 8 o’clock
at night. Probably got in the new issue of Superman and he has to fawn over
that for a few hours, in private. Whatever, I have more than enough to keep
me busy until then. Fuck, I have more than enough here to keep me busy until
I’m fucking dead.
***
“Mikey?” I swing open the door to the store and find it dark and empty.
He comes barreling at me out of the storeroom like a kid who got caught with
his hand in the cookie jar. “You’re early!” He squeaks and I immediately know
something’s up.
“What are you-,” I don’t even get the question out of my mouth when I see
Justin’s blond head emerge from the storeroom. Our eyes meet and instantly I
can see he’s as shocked as I am.
“Brian…” To hear him say my name again does something to me. I don’t even know
what, but suddenly I need something to hold on to. I lean against the counter
as nonchalantly as possible.
I nod in his general direction but turn my eyes to Michael before I bore holes
into his head with a piercing stare. “Hey, Justin.”
He picks up his portfolio and shuffles the papers in his hands. Clearly he and
Michael had been going over something regarding the comic. He’s the reason I
was supposed to wait until 8 to get here. Nothing like being an hour early and
running into your ex-lover for the first time in three painful months.
Justin
Michael asked me to come over and look at the reorder papers for “Rage.” We’d
finally sold out of the first run and he thought it would be a good idea to
order another case since we wouldn’t be making a second issue for a while,
maybe ever. I reluctantly agreed to meet him at the store after closing
tonight.
********************************************************************************
“Hey Michael,” I say quietly as I swing open the door and look at my watch.
“You’re late,” he bustles around the counter and toward the back room. Slowly
nodding my head, I follow him.
“Sorry,” I mutter, but I don’t mean it. He said after the store closed, which
probably implied closer to 6, but it’s only 7.
“Hurry up. You just have to sign off on these proofs so I can fax them to the
printer.”
I put my portfolio down and take the proofs from his hand. He’s making
ridiculous huffing noises to get me to go faster. He can’t stand me being in
his presence. Michael can be such a child.
I finally look up at him, “I just want to be sure they’re perfect. You don’t
want the next run to be less than perfect, do you?” He shakes his head, but
still looks annoyed with me.
When the little bell on the front door dings we look at one another
quizzically, but then Michael’s expression turns to alarm. He turns around
abruptly and rushes out of the storeroom. He’s only gone for five seconds when
I decide to follow him.
Papers still in hand and no idea who’s just walked in the door, I saunter out
to see what’s going on.
“Brian…” I see him standing there with his hair tousled from a day at work and
his eyes heavy with burden from a thousand things and all I can think to say is
his name. Anything else and I might speak words that are dangerous, words that
could hurt us. I might scream ‘I hate you’, then again I might scream ‘I love
you’. Both are completely applicable at the moment. Fuck, he makes my knees
weak.
His eyes, wider than I’ve ever seen them, suddenly relax and shift to Michael.
He says ‘hey’ and then adds my name. It rings in my ears for moments after. How
long has it been since I’ve heard him utter my name?
Brian
Fuck! I don’t want him to go. I just want him to stay. Let me look at you a
little while, Justin. Tell me that you’re okay.
He brushes past Michael and heads for the door, as usual I do and say nothing.
Then Michael spins around, “Justin, you have to sign those so I can fax them.”
He nods to the papers still clenched in Justin’s perfect hands.
He shakes his head and walks over to the counter, so careful not to look at me.
I have to step out of the way so he can lean over and sign on the dotted line.
I move in close to him and examine his hairline, his forearms, his jaw line,
the curve in his back, the way he smells, the way he writes and the sound of
his breathing.
When he finishes signing the papers he turns around and runs right in to
me. I grab his arm to keep him from toppling over. He grips me more
tightly than he needs to. The gesture is not lost on me.
Before I have any idea what I’m saying the words are pouring from my lips,
“What are you doing tonight?”
“I…uh…” he has no clue how to answer me. I quickly add, “Come to Babylon with us, just
for a drink.”
Justin
Holy shit! I turn around and run right into him. I have to grab his arms to
keep from falling over. Well, maybe I could have regained my balance on my own,
but touching him…it was like I couldn’t help myself. The opportunity was there
so I took it. His hand still on my side, making my skin melt away, he asks what
I’m doing tonight. God, this isn’t happening. Not now, I don’t know if I’m
ready. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to say no.
And I don’t. He tells me to come to Babylon and have a drink and
suddenly I hear myself say, “Okay.” Simple, just like that. No thought
necessary. I have no fucking clue what I think I’m doing. How am I going to
explain this to Ethan? I’m not, I won’t tell him. I won’t even go. I’ll say I
forgot I had to be somewhere.
Fuck me. Look at him. I have to go. I have to be near him. I have to keep
smelling his shampoo and listening to his voice and getting that tingle in my
gut when he looks at me. How did I fucking live without that?
Brian
Fuck. I don’t know why I invited him here. It’s hard enough to come here alone
and dance and drink and find a dick, always remembering what it was like to
dance with him and drink with him and go home with his dick. What the fuck did
I let this kid do to me?
Four beers and a tab of something Anita said was good shit later, I walk back
over to the main bar. Justin is apparently being paid to hold it up. I grab the
waistband of his pants and force him to follow me. I have no idea what I’m
doing, but the last thing I want to do is get my brain involved now. I yank him
on to the dance floor, into the sea of pulsating bodies. The rhythm moves under
my skin.
Desperate
to shed the onus of our past, we smile and move together fluidly. Dancing is an
old hat with us, but it is one we wear so well. We fight and struggle to stay
away from our old habit of touching and sucking and feeling one another out. We
move together, but inches apart. That safety space between us is something we
are so aware of it almost hurts. It is like a third person dancing here between
us, getting in our way, holding us apart. But, we let him. We need the
supervision. We certainly can't trust ourselves.
Then it happens: he gets pushed from behind, some mindless prick struggling to
stand up straight shoves him into me and I catch him in my open arms. Our legs
tangle, our arms entwine, our hips touch and our lips meet. That last part is
no accident. I take total advantage of the situation, I admit it. I couldn’t
stand it. Being close to him and not touching. Being near him and not tasting.
This open window of opportunity is not going to close on me.
Our bodies connect and I don't have to think twice about what I want. I feel
the shock, the spark, that old, familiar jolt. I know he does too. But, I also
know I have only a moment, just a moment, before the rational side of him takes
over. I slide my hands up his back and hold him closer to me. I snake my tongue
in and out of his mouth. Lick at his tongue, bite at his neck. I let him feel
how much I need him, how much I want him, how much I crave him. I made it
in…under the wire. They say timing is everything...I have to agree.
Our lips mesh and meld and fit so well. Like coming home again after a long,
hard journey, this feels so right. I sigh into him and he returns it. All the
fear has left me now. I'm not worried anymore. I'm not thinking anymore. My
lungs push out breath after breath, only to have it returned once he's used it
for himself. It's like floating; I'd almost forgotten.
Justin
I can see Brian coming at me from across the dance floor. My stomach muscles
tighten. I mentally check myself out. I stand up straight. I try to look
relaxed. I cross one leg over the other in a lame attempt to look pulled
together. He grabs my waistband and I spill a little of my beer, caught off
guard. He drags me to the dance floor and I let him. I have absolutely no will
power left. I must have checked it at the door with my coat.
When we start dancing, we leave this ominous space in between us. If we touch
we might explode, we both know it. It’s safer this way. I’m going to keep
chanting that to keep from begging him to fuck me right here on the dance
floor.
Then it happens…the beginning of the end. Some drunken loser hits me from
behind and I end up in Brian’s arms. Our eyes connect and then our lips. He’s
kissing me deep and hard and it’s so, so good. I forgot that Brian was the best
kisser on the planet. I made myself forget.
His lips push into mine, his tongue pulls at me. He leaves tiny bite marks all
over my neck. Our hands start to roam and my dick starts to twitch. If I stop
to think about what I’m doing and what this means I might go crazy. So I won’t
think. I’ll leave my brain out of it for once. I’ll do what my heart wants
(okay, maybe my dick too.)
“Let’s go.” I breathe the words into his ear before I think about what they
mean. There’s no thinking allowed here.
Brian
Fuck, he wants to leave. He wants to go. Where are my keys? Fuck, we have to
get our coats. I don’t say a thing to Mikey as we pass him at the bar, he knows
me well enough by now. He knows us well enough by now.
I drag Justin into the alley and down to my Jeep. I blink hard, deciding
whether or not I’m too tweaked to drive. I realize that kiss was a sobering
experience.
We reach destination number one and I pull my keys out of my pocket. I yank
Justin toward me and shove him up against the door of the Jeep. My tongue finds
its way impossibly far down his throat, recharts territory it once owned. He
tastes so good, so familiar. I could live inside his mouth. I’d be warm and
safe and I wouldn’t have to fucking deal with the ramifications of these
actions. Fuck it. I’m tired of staying away from him, doing the right thing.
I let my thigh creep up between his legs and rub against his already-hard cock.
I rock him against the side of the car, capturing each moan that pours from
deep within him. His arms grip me so tightly I nearly lose my balance. His lips
press me so hard I think my teeth might give way. His skin feels so soft I can
hardly stand it. It alarms me that I’d nearly forgotten.
“Get in.”
Justin
The ride home hurts. I can’t touch him. If we start now, we’ll have to pull
over to finish. I’d rather make it to the loft, but riding beside him in
silence is giving me too much time to think. Not really a good thing. Maybe
this is a…
Fuck me! His hand slides up my thigh and rests between my legs. No motion, no
further intention…it just sits there. It’s like he knew I needed something to
distract my mind, it’s working. This Jeep, this ride, this man next to me…it’s
so familiar and so new at the same time. I shake because I don’t know what else
to do. He strokes my thigh to calm me, because he doesn’t know what else to do.
He grabs the grate, sending it flying up as he pulls me out of the elevator
with such force I fall into him. We're laughing now, leaning against the cool
metal door that I've missed so much. It feels so good to laugh with him. He's
kissing me and trying unsuccessfully to get his key in the door. His hands are
down the front of my jeans, so I grab the keys before they fall to the floor. I
make an attempt to get the key into that tiny hole before he slaps them from my
hand and pins me to the door. "No time," his whispers hastily in my
ear as he licks the rim of it and breathes hot air all over my neck, causing
every tiny hair to stand at attention.
We're going so fast now, like we couldn’t slow down if it were the end of the
world. Calming our lust is out of the question. We need this too badly. We need
each other too badly. It feels like I was with him, like this, just seconds
ago. At the same time it feels as if it has been a million years. God, I love
his lips and his tongue and his nose and his skin and those eyes and these
hands. How did I live without him?
Brian
I’ve had him a million times before and yet I find myself wanting him more than
I ever could have imagined. I pull him out of the elevator onto me and we fall
backwards into the door to the loft. I make a feeble attempt to get the keys to
meet the lock, but I have better things to do. He takes them from me and tries
himself, but I knock them from his hands to the floor and tell him there’s no
time. I try to sound sexy, but it comes out needy and wanting. We can move to
the bed later - it seems so fucking far away right now. We can go slow later,
make it last later, make it soft later…but now I need it fast and hard and five
minutes ago.
I push his back into the door and his feet nearly leave the ground. Our tongues
entwined, our bodies moving in time to their own familiar rhythm. We’ve started
a hard push, a fast rock against one another. Our bodies still clothed, act as
if they’re not. It’s time to taste his skin.
I grab at his shirt and his jacket and his belt buckle and his zipper as he
does the same to me. God I have to get these fucking clothes off of him, now. I
finally have him naked from the waist up. I dip my face into his neck and bite
a trail to his left nipple. I pull it into my mouth and bring my hand up to tug
on his nipple ring, which seems to have found its way back into his piercing.
It was absent for a while. He yelps at the sudden rush of sensation. How long has
it been since someone’s driven him crazy?
Justin
Holy shit. His mouth on my chest, his teeth on my nipple, his finger tugging at
the little gold piercing. My brain is cloudy. I can literally feel it
scrambling around inside my skull, trying to find a way out. It has to get away
from these feelings. My gut is so tense and my dick is so hard. I gasp as he
reaches inside of my pants again, as though he’s checking to make sure I’m
keeping up. Oh, I’m keeping up all right.
Brian
God, I’ve never felt him so hard. It’s like months of missed orgasms are
building up into this one painfully long overdue moment. I yank his pants down
and drop to my knees. He pulls my shirt over my head as I go down.
I press him into the door and he yelps, the cool metal a shock to his bare ass.
I take him into my mouth, pulling his entire length inside until the tip of his
cock presses against the back of my throat. He releases a guttural moan that
surely shakes the foundation of my building. Perhaps I should have made more of
an effort to make it inside the loft. Too late for that now…
Justin
Oh god, his tongue on me again, feeling his warm breath engulf my cock. Feeling
the tip of my dick hit the back of his throat. These things...things I’ve done
with other men…they’re so incredibly different when I do them with Brian. He
feels like home.
Brian
I let his dick slide in and out of my watering mouth. I hold it tight to the
roof for a moment too long, something I know makes him insane. I hear him
huffing and moaning and struggling to stay standing above me. His hands on my
shoulders keep him balanced.
I pull his pants all the way down and work his shoes and the rest of his
clothes off of his body. Seeing him quivering and naked in front of me, I stop
to think about what would happen if someone came up the elevator just now.
Something tells me we wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t notice and wouldn’t care.
I pull him down to the ground. Lay him out on the cement floor that acts as a
landing. Hmm…it’s funny, I’ve never fucked anyone out here. I’ve never needed
anyone this badly.
I work out of my own pants, removing a condom from the pocket. I move my mouth
back up his body and meet his lips like it’s the first time. I suck in his
breath, let it fill my lungs. I need to taste him more than I need to breathe.
Our naked bodies slide together now, the first beads of perspiration making us
slick. I can feel the tips of our dicks meet and greet and arch together. I
touch him anywhere and everywhere. I’ll never get enough. I know that now.
Justin
His naked body against mine is almost too much. I feel tears well in my eyes
when his mouth leaves my dick and finds my lips again. He sucks my tongue and
makes me hum and I can’t believe I ever left him.
He slips his tongue out of my mouth and I whimper as I raise my head to chase
it. But then his warm lips are at my ear and I relax under him again. He sucks
my earlobe and the tickle makes me giggle. Suddenly I feel him running his
fingers up my arm and then holding my hand tightly. Grabbing my fists, he
spreads my fingers. He brings them to his mouth and pulls my index finger
inside. Our eyes meet and I watch him as his lips close and his eyelids
flutter. I feel my finger roll over and under his tongue. The simple gesture
nearly pushes me over the edge. I gulp hard, concentrating on the sensation and
pushing down my orgasm at the same time.
He suddenly extracts my finger from his mouth and moves my hand between our
faces. He takes a condom, from God only knows where, and places it into my
palm.
“I want you inside me.” I hear the words and for a moment the world is still.
Brian
This is an interesting development. I hadn’t even planned on letting him fuck
me. But as we’re rolling on this cold cement floor and I’m exploring his body
all over again, like I haven’t seen it a thousand times before, suddenly all I
want to do is roll over and let him do whatever he wants to me.
I press the condom into his hand and tell him to come inside. His eyes get wide
and I can hear his breath catch in his chest. But he says nothing. He always
knows when words won’t work. Wish I could figure out when they will.
I move my body from on top of him and watch as he opens the package. When the
little circle of latex is in his hand, I decide to reach for it. He’s surprised
by my action, slightly taken aback. He probably thinks I’ve changed my mind.
Never Sunshine, never.
I reach for his dick and slide the condom over the tip. We both watch as I
slowly roll it down to the base. I let Justin fuck me a few times when we were
living together, but it occurs to me now that I never did this.
He smiles up at me. A huge, satisfied, truly happy smile. It warms me and makes
my body ache for him. Earning that smile is like nothing I’ve ever known.
I brace myself, hold my breath and wait. He slips inside and I feel it in every
inch of my body. I shiver when he starts to chant my name.
Justin
Oh fuck. There is nothing in this world, or any other, like sliding into Brian.
It’s warm and wet and hard and soft and perfect and all wrong all at the same
time. I hear him sigh deeply as I find my way inside. He relaxes under me as I
grip his hips. I bury my face in the back of his hair and take deep, deep
breaths. God I miss him. I miss us.
I want to sing out and pour poetry on him.
I miss your lips
The curve of your hips
The way you taste
The way you make my heart race
I want every word to sound beautiful and have meaning. But I’m silent. I let
the moment and my actions speak for me. I’ll save the talking for another time.
Brian
He slides deeper and deeper and I buck up to meet each thrust like a hungry
teenager finding out for the first time what being fucked feels like. I try to
grip the floor beneath me, struggling desperately to find something to hold on
to. Trails of inaudible melodies pour from my mouth, singing Justin’s praises,
letting him know that I feel it. I feel it all.
He moves his hips just a few degrees and hits that spot inside. The one that
makes me lose control and makes my body shake. I gasp as he does it. He hears
my verbal affirmation that’s he’s struck gold. He holds his stance and
re-enters me in just the same way. Another gasp and he knows he’s got me.
His thrusts grow more confident. They are deeper and harder, more delicious
than I remember. Every one has more meaning than the last. We start to moan in
unison. I want to stay like this forever.
Justin
I hear him gasp. I’ve heard it before, with him inside me and with me inside
him. It’s the noise he makes when it feels so good you can’t breathe. When it’s
so fucking intense that your heart pounds clear out of your chest and your eyes
fog over and you couldn’t move or speak or think or be, even if your life
depended on it.
I memorize the thrust that makes him gasp and I do it again. And again and
again until he’s shaking and moaning and we’re both so close. I’m dangling him
over the edge of a cliff. I’m letting us teeter on the ledge together.
Overlooking the very steep, very deep, very daunting ravine below, we both want
to let go. We both want to jump. But I slow down…just a little…make us wait a
little longer.
Finally…finally
he says my name. Just my name, “Justin.” His voice is low and hoarse and
impatient. He wants to come, needs to come. Needs me to take him there, jump
off the cliff with him.
I slide my hand up his arm. I interlace my fingers with his and take one final,
deep, beautiful, perfect plunge into the depths of his body. The moment is
blinding. Light shoots in front of my eyes and the world goes dark. I can only
hear my heart beat and I can only feel his body quake around me. His muscles
pull and push and want to drag me in and push me out. I struggle against him as
our hips jerk and buck and fight against one another. I hold myself inside as
long as I can. I finally topple over from sheer exhaustion, rolling out of
him…though it is the last thing I want to do.
Face to the floor, he huffs and puffs and gets his breathing back to normal.
Face to the ceiling, I do the same. Finally, he turns to look at me. His eyes
are glazed over, his mouth is shiny with spit, his brow is dripping with sweat.
He takes his sweet red lips into his mouth and bites them a bit. Then he raises
his head just an inch searching for my eyes, so I turn my face to meet his.
We’re so close he barely has to whisper when he says, “Come home.”
Two simple words, only four letters each. How on earth can they hold so much
meaning? I wait, say nothing, do nothing. I am nothing. I don’t even deserve
him after what I’ve done. But, in other moments I know he doesn’t deserve me
either.
I hold my breath, waiting for some kind of sign.
Brian
It’s never been like that before. Not with anyone. Not even with Justin. The
way it felt to have him inside me. The way it felt in that last moment before
we came. I’ve never known anything like it. And I don’t ever want to know
anything else.
Maybe we’re totally fucked up. Maybe we’ll keep hurting each other. Maybe I’m
not good enough for him. Maybe I don’t give a fuck anymore. I need him. I know
that much is true.
I roll my head to the side and I tell him to come home. He knows what it means.
He knows what I’m asking. He turns his face from me. I watch his eyes and can
tell he’s thinking. What’s there to fucking think about, Justin? Tell me you
didn’t just feel that. Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t love me.
Say anything.
I sigh and roll my head around on the floor. I want to bang it against a
fucking wall. I know what he needs. I know I should give it to him. I finally
know that I’d mean it. But, nothing is as easy as it seems. And I never do
anything simply.
I turn my face back toward his and whisper, “You will be loved.” His face jerks
to the side so quickly I’d say he’d broken his neck if it weren’t for his wide
eyes and the slow, careful smile spreading across his lips. In that instant I
know it’s enough. It makes me want to cry with relief. But, I smile instead.
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