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14 - Working it Out
Brian, Justin and Kane’s POV
Rated PG 13
******************
Brian
After that night, the night we decided to try this shit again, things moved
fast. Maybe too fast, but we haven’t fallen flat on our faces yet. Things are
much better with him than without him so I can deal with the rest of it.
After we had our little love confessions and agreed that we both wanted to try
this again, we started spending an obnoxious amount of time together. We fell
into this little routine. At the end of the day we’d meet at the loft, or I’d
pick him up from the diner, or he’d meet me at my office after his classes were
over. We’d fuck like rabbits, then he’d make dinner while I worked out or
checked email or just watched him. We’d eat together and talk about the shit
we’d dealt with all day. Then we’d fuck again, and again, until it was so late
we were both complaining about how little sleep we were going to get. We’d pass
out, completely exhausted, then we’d get up the next day and do it all over again.
It took a couple of months for that honeymoon phase to end. Really, that’s
longer than I expected.
*****************************************
“Brian!” Why the fuck is he screaming at me?
“What? Jesus, J, don’t scream. I’m right fucking here.”
“I’ll scream if I want. Where the hell are my gray DKNY pants?”
“How the fuck should I know?” Spoiled brat.
“They were in the closet yesterday.”
“Well I didn’t wear them, Shorty.” I don’t remember it flooding in here.
“Did you just call me short?”
“You are short Justin.” He’s looked in a mirror, right?
“God, just because I’m not the fucking Jolly Green Giant doesn’t mean I’m
short!”
I wish I was the goddamn Jolly Green Giant, his dick must be huge.
“You are short and I’m not a giant. Go find your pants.” He rolls his eyes all
the way back into his head to make a point, before turning on his heels,
stalking away from my desk and back up into the bedroom. I watch his back as he
tears through my…our closet. This is so ridiculous. Now we start off each new day
with a new stupid fight. We haven’t had sex since Sunday. I think I’m going to
go fucking insane if something doesn’t give.
Justin
I don’t know what the fuck Brian’s problem is. Everything was fine, it was
better than fine. We were getting along so well and being so perfect and good
together and then things just changed when I wasn’t even looking. Now he’s back
to working long hours, never having dinner with me, and coming home smelling
like liquor and sex. And I don’t know where the fuck my gray wool pants are!
FUCK!
After tearing through the closet for like the fourth time, I feel Brian come up
behind me. Normally I’d be happy to know he gave enough of a shit to get up
from whatever he was working on at his desk, but right now I can’t deal with
him.
“Find them?” He says quietly behind me.
“No,” I huff louder than necessary.
”Justin, they have to be here somewhere.”
“Well, they’re not!” I scream in his face before I pull on the same khakis I
wore yesterday. Then I get my jacket and my backpack and hit the front door in
less than 3 minutes. When the door slams behind me I only stop for a split
second to think about what an asshole I just was.
I bet Brian’s still standing in the bedroom staring at the empty spot where a
mad man just went insane right before his very eyes. God, I think I need
therapy.
******************************************
When I get to Daphne’s apartment, she’s pleasantly surprised to see me. I’m so
fucking relieved I could die.
“I’m sorry to come by without calling.”
“Don’t be silly! I haven’t seen you in like two months! With you and Brian
living together again it’s like you fell off the face of the earth. Of course,
don’t get me wrong. If I had Brian to go home to every night I’d never fucking
leave the house either!” She gives me a conspiratorial smirk that makes me
sigh.
I
do feel really shitty about showing up here before 9am. But, strangely
enough, Daph was up and dressed with coffee made and a smile on her face. Gotta
love the girl.
“If only he were home with me, that would be true.” I slide down onto her
couch, discarding my jacket on the way. I look up at her with sad puppy dog
eyes that I only put on when I really want sympathy.
“What? I thought everything was going really great. Last time we talked, you
were so fucking happy I thought you might burst.”
“Things change, Daph. People change. Well all people except Brian, who is
apparently always going to be an insensitive, workaholic, asshole!”
She shakes her head at me, hands me a spoon and one of the two pints of Ben and
Jerry’s she just retrieved from the freezer. “You don't mean that.” She says it
quietly so I know she’s serious. I can't believe she’s feeding me ice cream and
coffee, at the same time, this early in the morning.
“I don’t know what I mean anymore.”
“Brian’s changed so much. A blind man could see that. He loves you, Justin.
It’s really obvious. And he cares about you and looks after you and he’s the
one who waited around for you to come back. He’s always loved you.”
“I guess,” I shrug, defeated.
“Justin, look at me.” I do. “You have to know that. You have to feel it or it’s
over. You do know, don’t you?”
I sigh, she’s always fucking right. Her argument sounds just like Brian’s did
that night we got back together. It was as true then as it is now.
“I do know. I do feel it. Well, just not lately. It’s been hard. He got two new
big clients at work and when he’s not at the office he’s behind his computer.
We haven’t had sex in days and the only time we talk is to fight.”
“Welcome to married life!” She clinks her spoon against mine and takes a huge
bite of Chocolate Cherry Garcia ice cream.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I whisper, taking a pathetic slurp of Phish Food.
“What do you mean?”
“That is exactly what Brian never wanted, a fucking little wife.”
“Well he wants a partner to fuck, namely you. So he’ll have to take what comes
with that. The reality is that when two people live together and see each other
every day, there are bound to be rough patches.”
“I guess... it’s just really rough right now.”
“Then work harder. Everything worth having is hard work. You of all people know
that, J.”
“Yeah, I do. I need someone to slap me when I get like this, Daph.” I no sooner
have the words out of my mouth when her hand swats the side of my head playfully,
but hard.
“Hey!” I scream. Then she shoves a spoonful of ice cream towards my face, which
lands everywhere but inside of my mouth. We both start laughing hysterically
and fall back onto the couch, clutching our guts. This is why I love Daphne.
She always reminds me of who I am and what life is really about.
Brian
After the psycho stalked out of here like I’d just killed his mother,
instead of trying to help him find some pants, I grabbed my shit and headed off
to work. I’d been thinking about working from home today because I’ve spent so
much time at the office. But, if Justin wasn’t going to stick around there was
no point in that.
I no sooner get to my office door when I hear my phone. I let it go to voice
mail as I get my morning update from Cynthia. The phone starts to ring again
and she looks at me quizzically, “It’s been going off the hook since I got
here. It’s your private line.”
I go into my office and snatch up the phone, “What?”
“Brian fucking Kinney, it’s about time you answered your fucking phone.” That
damn Brit must have a lowjack on me. He always knows when I need someone to
talk me down off the ledge. I should be thankful for that. I should be…
“Kane, Kane, Kane…what the fuck have you been up to?”
“Oh I’m sure you can guess. The better question is why haven’t I heard from
you? I’ve called your house, your office, your cell. Do you think that I’m
another client you can pawn off on your lackeys?”
I shake my head, he so deserves better than this. And I do forget he is a
paying client. After our relationship got too personal, I handed him off to
another team here. Thank God I did or he would have surely left by now thanks
to my neglect. “Sorry, Ewan. I really have been meaning to call.”
”Sorry’s bullshit, Brian. What’s going on? You and the twink finally have your
blissful reunion?”
“Something like that.”
Kane
Fuck. I figured as much. Well, it’s good. This is good. Good for Brian. I’m
happy for him. Yes, I can be happy for him.
“Well, fabulous. Do tell.”
“You want to know?”
“Jesus, Brian. I didn’t give you all that free therapy to not hear the happy
ending.”
“Whatever.”
“So go on, tell Uncle Kane all about it.”
“’Uncle Kane’? That’s kinky in the bad way.”
“Right, right. Now quit avoiding the topic.”
“Which is?”
“How did you and Justin work it out?”
“Um, long story short we both wised up and realized that together was better
than apart. We agreed to take a stab at it one more time and he was living with
me again a couple of weeks later. Now I see the little jerk far too often.”
“He’s living at the loft with you?”
“Yeah, it just made sense.”
“Why don’t you sound happy?”
“Just stressed. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, you know.”
“It’s only been a couple of months Brian! How bad can it be?”
”It’s not bad, it’s just not as good as it should be.”
“Well no joke! Relationships aren’t a cakewalk. The honeymoon is over. It’s
time for real life.”
”No shit.”
“But you think you did the right thing?”
“Yeah, sure. Definitely. It’s what I wanted. Him too.”
“So you told him you love him?”
“Uh…yeah. Well, no. Yes. I don’t know. Sort of.”
“Christ Brian! Nothing like a straight answer. Have I taught you nothing?”
“I don’t do anything straight, you know that.”
“Seriously Brian. You told him, right?”
“He knows.”
“He knows because you told him or you’re assuming that he knows because he’s a
mind reader?”
“He knows because he knows. He never would have moved back in if he thought I
didn’t love him.”
“Christ! You’ve never told the kid you fucking love him?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes. It. Is. I don’t care how fucking unloved you were your whole life or how
shitty you think you had it. You’re a fucking adult now and your life is your
own. You are surrounded by people who love you and you have a fucking son, for
Christ’s sake Brian! Learn to say the word, it won’t kill you. It’s four
letters, just like the rest of your vocabulary.”
“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know shit about me.”
“Quite the contrary, Brian. We’ve been down this road before. I know you better
than you think.”
“Whatever,” I can practically hear him roll his eyes.
“Brian, listen. Maybe you’ve forgotten those dozen drunken phone calls you made
to me when I was afraid you were going to slit your wrists over this kid, but I
haven’t.”
“Shut up,” his voice is threatening now.
“Just let me finish. It’s okay to love someone like that. It’s okay to be that
vulnerable. I know exactly how you feel and so does most of the world,
including Justin. From what you’ve told me he’s not only in love with you, but
enamored of you. I can’t image what it would do to him to actually hear you say
you love him, even if he’s convinced he doesn’t need it from you.”
“I’ve got to go.”
“Think about it, Brian. It will make things better than they are now. You’re
falling back into that place where he wonders if you really care and as a result
you start to close yourself off, fulfilling his prophecy.”
“What kind of psychobabble was that?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah. I’ve got to run to a meeting. Later, Ewan.”
“Fine. Seriously though Brian, think about what I said. You know how you feel,
you have to figure out why you can’t say it.”
“Goodbye.” He says it more emphatically this time and hangs up, leaving me with
a dial tone blaring in my ear.
I put down the phone and sigh loudly. My assistant pokes her head into my office,
“Everything okay?” I just nod, fingers pinching the bridge of my nose. Finally
I look up to meet her eyes so that she knows I really am okay.
“I’ll be fine. Really, everything’s fine.”
“The American?” She says it like it’s a question, but we both know it’s a statement.
I just nod again. She’s overheard some of my conversations with Brian. For a
while I was talking to him every day. She surely caught the spring in my step
and the whistles down the hall. I guess I knew my fantasy about he and I and
the happily ever after bullshit would end eventually, but it still hurts. It
feels like I’m paying for how many times I fucked up when I was Brian’s age.
And I know I deserve to.
He just called and said everything I knew he ever would and somehow it’s still
fucking harder than I thought. A lot harder. God, I love that man. I really
do. But his heart belongs to someone else and I have to deal with that.
Brian
After I hang up on Kane, I just sit and stare into space for a long while. Is
he right? Are we falling back into our old pattern? Justin doesn’t think I love
him because I don’t say it and as a result I start to pull away and make it
true? This relationship bullshit sucks! Why can’t I get back to sucking and
fucking my nights away? Life was so simple then. Though maybe not as good.
*********************************************
I beat him home tonight, which is odd considering I stayed at the office until
after 8. Around 9 he finally comes in. Doesn’t say a word to me at first, just
walks on eggshells for like ten minutes, trying to decide what to do with himself.
I’m actually in the middle of writing some kick-ass copy for a new campaign
so I can’t take the time to talk to him.
Finally he comes up quietly beside me and waits for me to acknowledge him. When
I look up, he leans down and brushes my lips with his. “I’m sorry.”
I just nod. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. I’ve been an ass lately. But, I guess I just miss you.”
I nod, “I know. It sucks right now, but I won’t always work so much or be so
stressed. You know this is the way it is sometimes.”
He nods this time, “I do know. I’ve just been stressed too with work and school
and I feel like you’re too busy to talk to me.”
I turn away from him, which I can tell freaks him out for a second. But when
I hit save on the computer and then shut it down, he sighs. I pull him into
my lap, “Busy tonight?”
He shakes his head, “Not that I know of.”
“Good, go change. We’re going out.”
“What?” He looks at me strangely.
“Come on, we’ll go meet the guys at Woody’s. Play pool for a while and…talk.
We never go out anymore. Our friends think we’ve disappeared into the land of
the old marrieds.”
Justin
He cringes when he coins the term “old marrieds” and I know what he means because
it’s exactly what I was saying to Daph about us. I’m glad he could joke about
it though. It makes me feel much better.
He shoves me off his lap and starts to head for the bedroom.
“Brian?”
He keeps walking.
“I don’t want to go.”
He stops walking, but doesn’t turn around to look at me.
“What do you want to do?” He asks casually, as if it doesn’t piss him off that
I don’t want to go.
“I’ve just…” I sigh loudly, though I don’t mean too, “It’s been a rough day.
I need to stay in. You can go though, if you really want to see the guys.” I
don’t mean a damn word of that.
He
finally looks at me. “Do you want me to go?”
“Of course I don’t want you to go.”
“Then why did you just tell me to go?”
“Christ, Brian! I want you to go if you want to go, but that doesn’t mean I
want you to go.”
Brian
Jesus, here we go again. I can’t let this get out of hand. He clearly has an
aversion to going out, and to me going out for that matter. And the thing is, I
would be pissed if I actually did want to go out. But, truthfully I don’t want
to. I want to talk to him. I want to know what the fuck is going on. I want to
fuck him senseless. But, I’m afraid if I stay and things don’t go my way I’m
going to get really pissed. I thought us going out together would kind of solve
our problems. Get us back on safer ground anyway.
I walk over to him, until I’m right up on top of him, practically nose to nose.
“I won’t go.”
“Don’t stay just for me,” he averts his eyes.
“I’m not staying just for you. I’m staying for me too. We need to work this
out. And I really need some fucking sex.”
“Isn’t like you aren’t getting it elsewhere,” he says, it all pitiful and sad.
“For your information, I haven’t gotten it elsewhere, and I think my dick might
fall off after four days without a fuck.”
“It’s been four days?” His voice rises in shock.
“Uh yeah. It was Sunday. How on earth can you not know when we last fucked?”
He smiles, “Oh I remembered. I’m just surprised that you do.” What a little
prick. I pinch him.
“What gives?” I say softly, letting my warm breath wash over his face.
“It’s just…it’s all getting really hard. Like I said before, you’re never here
and I feel like you’re pulling away again. I guess I just feel like we’re
starting down the same road. You work more and drink more and fuck more. I pout
more and whine more. It’s not pretty, on either side. I’d rather get out now
than do it all again.” He looks away from me again.
I grab his shoulders to get his eye contact back, “We’re not fucking going down
that road again.” I throw my arms in the air (even I can be a drama queen sometimes,
Justin brings it out in me). “Christ, I’m not even fucking anyone else!”
Fuck. I have got to remember to think before I speak.
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