Filler for in between episodes 218 and 219
Brian and Justin
Justin’s POV
Rated NC 17
I came home so late, it was a little after 3am. By the time Ethan and I were
done exploring each other I was so tired I closed my eyes for just a second
and awoke in a post-3am haze. It was horrible, stumbling around to get dressed,
trying not to wake him. I slipped out of the apartment and down on to the street,
the cold air freezing the tears on my face. What the fuck have I done? I have
no idea really. I don’t know what I want this to mean. I don’t know what I want
to do. I love Brian, I really love him. I thought he was all I ever wanted.
And then Ethan came along. And he’s more and he’s less and he’s different in
wonderful ways. I can’t even compare them in my mind. Weigh the pros and cons
against each other. There’s no way to calculate what’s right or wrong, so I’m
stumbling through this probably making all the wrong decisions.
***********************
It’s nearly sunrise now, hours of sleep behind me; I feel his hand slip into
mine. I open my eyes just a little; the first light of day filling the loft
with an eerie orange glow that makes his skin look otherworldly. He smiles just
a little and pulls me with him. Watching him very intently I stand up and wait
to see what he's doing. His eyes are heavy with sleep and lust. I know why he's
woken me up; he's done it before. But I wish he wasn't doing it this morning.
Not THIS morning. I have a fleeting thought of the shower I took when I got
home, I am grateful for that decision now. More than I thought I ever would
be. He sucks his lips into his mouth and takes a condom from the bedside table
and then leads me over to the large expanse of windows on the east side of the
loft. We pass his white Italian furniture, I think about how different it is
from a free couch found in an alley way. These things remind me of where I was
last night, what I did last night. Ethan’s life is so many miles from this one.
Found furniture and street corner violin playing. It is all at once romantic
and noble and amazing.
Without words he turns me to face the window. The morning is so quiet and new.
I breathe a sigh of pleasure at what's to come, followed by one of guilt for
what I’ve done to us. It’s a new day, but unlike all of the others before it,
this one is tainted. Usually new days with Brian and I are fresh and clean,
but this one feels stained to me. And I want so badly for it to be new. I want
to start over. But so much has been said and not been said and so much has been
done and not been done. The buildup was inevitable I suppose, but I wish so
hard that it wasn't. I have to choke back tears. Luckily, with my back to him,
he has no idea that my face is twisted with guilt and sorrow instead of passion
and anticipation.
I see the fireball peeking over the horizon from here. With the whole world
asleep in the minutes just before dawn things should be peaceful, simple, beautiful.
He wants them to be. He doesn’t know where I was until 3am. I'm not going to
tell him. All he wants now is me. And truthfully, all I want is him. It's all
I've ever wanted. I just wish he could actually give himself to me. He never
will. I know that now. He'll never be what I need him to be, and I can't ask
for more than he's given. For more than he is.
This is a love story I didn't want to ever end. But, what I want and what I
need are now two very different things. But, how can I possibly say goodbye?
How can I leave this behind? I've loved him more than anything on earth for
so long. I remember when he was the only thing in my life that mattered. The
only person I could turn to. The only person who understood me. Can I walk away
from the greatest love I'll ever know? Is self-preservation worth the pain I
will cause us both?
The questions fill my head and swirl in my mind, mixing and turning and blending
and hurting. I have no idea what to do or say. For now I’ll stay silent. I will
do what I know I can. I’ll let Brian love me the way he knows how. I’ll enjoy
this because I won’t have this forever; this loft, this love, this relationship,
this life.
Right now there isn't any other place I'd rather be than here in his arms. His
lips on my neck, arms encircling me. The time to speak has come and gone. I
need him now. I want him now. I arch my back into him and hum a little. Want
him to know I'm happy he woke me up for this. Because I truly am. Sleeping with
Ethan didn’t make me love Brian less; maybe it made me love him more. I’m torn
and scared and worried about what will happen to each of our hearts. Mine has
been aching for a long time and maybe knowing that I am finally doing something
to mend it makes me more tender toward him.
I turn to face him and take his head in my hands. I kiss him sweetly and then
more deeply. He responds by pushing me back into the window to gain some leverage
and then torturing me with his tongue. I do have to admit that no one kisses
better than Brian, no one. His tongue quickly weaves it way around my tongue
and over my cheeks and across my teeth. It gives and takes and delves in and
out. I could kiss Brian forever and never need another thing from him physically.
Well, that probably isn’t true, but it seems that way at the moment.
I feel his cock stiffen against my belly where it’s rubbing as we undulate and
kiss and grope and knead at one another. He starts to trail kisses down my neck
and across my collarbone and then he reaches a nipple and snakes his tongue
around it. I gasp and push back hard against the window for support. I hope
it will hold up to the weight of our bodies.
“Fuck me,” I hiss through clenched teeth and his head jerks up to look at me.
A sly smile spreads across his face and he abruptly grabs my waist and spins
me back around to face the window. Spreading my legs apart a little he reaches
in front of me and pulls back the white curtain. It reveals the now almost bright
beginnings of sunrise. The sky is painted in deep pink and oranges and yellows.
It’s absolutely breathtaking. I watch the morning light glimmer off rooftops
and reflect off every shiny surface in sight. I squint my eyes as my pupils
adjust to the level of light my eyes are soaking in. Brian settles his chin
on my shoulder and for a moment we both just stare at the simplicity and complexity
and sheer beauty of sunrise.
He rubs my hips lightly with his hands, which allows me to refocus on the matter
at hand. I hear him flip the lid on the lube and then wait, breath held, for
him to spread it on. My cheeks part and his finger slowly works inside. The
cool gel makes me jump a little and giggle a tiny bit. Then I settle back onto
the feeling of his finger inside of me. Then he adds a second and I let out
a small moan. I push my hips back onto his hand, attempting to derive more pleasure
from this foreplay.
He
laughs a little into my shoulder at the action, but allows his fingers to slide
deeper into me. I purr with satisfaction and start moving my hips to ride his
hand a little. Then he shifts his fingers and arches them to hit my prostate in
just the right spot. Brian knows every inch of my body, inside and out, and
knows exactly what to do to make me scream. “Oh fuck,” I say abruptly as his
fingers hit the sweet spot. He grips my left shoulder and starts to use his
hand to move me back and forth over his hand. I gasp and lean forward a little,
my dick sticking out prominently in front of me. My legs are shaking a little
now and it is getting harder to stand. Finally I have to lean over and brace
myself by putting my hands on my knees.
Brian hands leave me then and I whimper in disapproval. I hear the condom
wrapper rip open and grin at what is about to come. Taking my shoulders into
his hands he stands me up straight in front of him. I stagger back a little,
having gotten too close to the window and nearly smacked my dripping cock into the
cold glass. I grip the window’s ledge as Brian slides into me. I let out a
deep, “Uhhhh…” as my hole opens to let him in.
Rising and falling behind me with long, languid, deep strokes I can tell he
wants this to last a while. I stare out the window as the sun comes further
into the horizon. I can almost see the entire thing now. The skies colors are
getting a little less intense and disseminating across a wider area. I think
back to the few other times Brian’s woken me up to do this. It makes me smile and
feel warm to know this is something he secretly likes. But I immediately feel
sad knowing he wants to share things like this with me, but there is so much
else he keeps to himself.
“Beautiful isn’t it?” His words are the first either of us have spoken. I know
he’s referring to the sunrise, the way the burnt orange sun is piercing the
pale blue sky and creating a natural work of art, that is every changing,
before our eyes, but I wish he were talking about the sex. It is beautiful.
Although I know he doesn’t see it that way. And I so badly wish he would. I
rarely hear him refer to sex as anything besides fucking, and never making
love. But, shouldn’t that be what we are doing? Isn’t that what we are doing? I
feel like it is, I wish it was. But, once again, Brian and I don’t see eye to
eye when it comes to matters of the heart.
“Ah, god…” I let the noises tumble from deep inside me when he shifts his
weight beneath me and his dick starts to graze new spots deep within me. His
hands roam my body, taking a full account of what every inch of my skin feels
like this morning. He sucks at my neck, leaving his mark. He holds my hips
tight and pumps hard for a few moments. I roll up onto the balls of my feet and
try to hold on tighter to the windowsill in front of me. Then my dick hits the
glass, something I’d been working hard to avoid, the pulsing purple tip leaves
a trail of cum on the slick glass as I quickly pull away. Brian pulls me back
into him, seeing what I’ve done and hearing me as I scream out, “FUCK!” We both
laugh as his hand slides around to take my dick into it. “I’ll protect you,” he
whispers in my ear. I wish he could.
Matching they rhythm of his hand to the rhythm of his dick we start the final
dance. We are both getting close and our breathing is labored, our heart rates
are up. I roll my head back into the curve of his neck, my body is settled on
top of his dick. I am on my tiptoes so that he doesn’t have to bend as much
beneath me. My legs shake, and so do his. I run my hands up behind me to cup the
back of his neck. I turn my head sideways so that my lips will meet his. He
takes them into this mouth in a deep, long kiss. His right hand pumps my cock
and his left closes around me, holding me close to him. He barely moves out of
me, it is difficult from this position. Each thrust is short and hard and just
seems to push him deeper and deeper into me.
He takes his lips away and starts to bite down on my neck. It hurts a little,
but I like the feeling of his teeth leaving marks in me. Getting so close I can
hardly stand it I drop my feet down and practically impale myself on him. He
moans, loudly. With a few last hard, quick strokes he has me coming all over
the place. I bend forward and his body follows. Hand clamped tightly around my
waist, he wants his dick in me deep as he rides out the orgasm. “Fuck, fuck,
fuck…,” he mutters as I let inaudible noises spill from deep inside me. My hips
jerk forcefully toward the window and I put my hand out to steady myself. My
eyes raise to the glass again as I see the sun is completely up. The day is
bright and new and beautiful. Brian starts to come inside of me. I’m bent over
and his body bends over top of me. He lays his head against my back and keeps
me close as his body jerks him through every last wave of his orgasm.
He is still for a moment and then begins to stand. I move my body back with
his. He wraps his long arms around my shoulders and locks me to him. We stare
out the window together again. I wonder what could be going through his mind. I
feel him pull his cock all the way out of me. He kisses my cheekbone gently.
“Morning Sunshine.” He says it with a dose of sarcasm in his voice that makes
me smile. He unfolds his arms then and releases me. Smacking me in the ass he
adds, “I think it’s time for a shower.” I nod and turn, immediately taken back
to the last shower I took. Scrubbing hard over every inch of skin, washing away
sin. It didn’t work though, I can still feel the guilt lying thick like soap
scum all over me. Somehow I doubt this shower will wash it away either.
End
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